I decided today would be a good day to bring back Starbucks Saturdays! at work, and my awesome boss made a coffee run for the team. I had a delicious mocha frappachino. Being diabetic, caffeine and sugar are generally not good ideas for me, but I felt that I deserved it. Of course, madness followed soon after consumption:
Thoughts during caffeine-fueled high:
I feel pretty, oh so pretty..
C. is soooo cute.I’m gonna be extra funny and he will notice me!, and will ask me out!
Oooh! I’m soooo hyper! Let’s dance around in my chair and sing Lady Gaga!
He’s noticing me! I’m being so funny! So witty! So confident!
I am awesome!
Thoughts after the caffeine crash:
Okay, so I’m not sure if I went too far with the flirting. This is work you know.
Giving cute guys gifts makes you look like a 16 year old.
Gah! Stupid Stupid Stupid!
Other potential dating prospect is all “Less pressure please”, after I casually asked him to hang out. WTF!!!!
I am FURIOUS!
Boys are stupid. Dating is stupid.
I am stupid.
Is this day gonna be over yet?
Ugh. I hate life/people/universe/everything!
Lessons Learned:
If I would get more sleep, then I would not feel the need to have caffeine to keep me away.
A guy being nice to you doesn't mean that he *likes* you *that* way.
Over-thinking is bad.
Furious is my new favorite word.
Bi-polar much?
I should channel my energy to focusing on school, than being furious(see!?) over things that I cannot control.
That’s the show for tonight. Tune in next time!
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
A little ditty on Dating. Or: Reason number 612 why I'm still Single.
Now that I'm in Tulsa and a bit settled, I think it's time to start meeting people. And by people I mean guys. Normally when I'm bored and want to meet someone, I head on over to Craiglist. And we all know what happens when you meet someone there.
Ahem.
If I really need to explain it to you, then maybe we should be having a different discussion.
To make it short, Craiglist=S E X.
There. Happy? My family and conservative friends who read this now know that I'm not a virgin. Super. Moving on...
Since I'm trying to make a new start, I've decided that CL isn't the way to go. While hookups are fun in their own way, I'm frankly too old for that shit.
So, I'm trying some other dating sites, ones that actually require money to really talk to anyone. I'm not happy about this, because I don't feel that you should have to pay to find love. I just can't justify paying 49.95 for some computer algorithm to tell me who I should be interested in based on some idiotic questions that I answered(I'm looking at YOU, Eharmony). And probably lied about, because honestly?, why on earth would I let someone know right off the bat that my mind is a little off? You can't bring out the crazy immediately. If I did, I'd never get a date.
Something does have to be said for these sites, because I've known several people who have actually been lucky enough to find someone on them. Why not me?
I've been doing a little research, but I haven't ponied up the money yet. One, because I'm cheap. Two, I want to make sure that the site that I pick is going to yield some decent results. If I read one more ad that says, "No offense, but I don't like overweight girls", I'm really going to hurt someone.
Guys, here's a little tip: Saying no offense doesn't soften the blow. At All. We get that you've got a type of girl that you want to meet. That's great. We also don't mind that you express what you're looking for in your ad. But don't say no offense. Saying that just means that you want to make yourself feel better for the offense you're about to say. It may be rude, or hurt someones feelings, but if you feel you must, get it out there. Honesty is always the best policy. Love, the fat and ugly girls.
*The above diatribe was not meant to be bitter, so don't take it as such.*
That's where I am for the moment. I have updated my okcupid page, which is free, and I'm starting to send messages to some guys in this area, so we'll see. The jury is still out on paying money to find a date. So far, cheap me is winning the battle on that one.
PS-I totally could have gone off on another tangent about how guys out there can't seem to like the big girls, and how it pisses me off, but I chose not to. It is what it is. There's a great guy out there for me, and he's gonna like how I am now, and who I'm going to be in the future. I deserve it. That's PROGRESS, you guys.
Ahem.
If I really need to explain it to you, then maybe we should be having a different discussion.
To make it short, Craiglist=S E X.
There. Happy? My family and conservative friends who read this now know that I'm not a virgin. Super. Moving on...
Since I'm trying to make a new start, I've decided that CL isn't the way to go. While hookups are fun in their own way, I'm frankly too old for that shit.
So, I'm trying some other dating sites, ones that actually require money to really talk to anyone. I'm not happy about this, because I don't feel that you should have to pay to find love. I just can't justify paying 49.95 for some computer algorithm to tell me who I should be interested in based on some idiotic questions that I answered(I'm looking at YOU, Eharmony). And probably lied about, because honestly?, why on earth would I let someone know right off the bat that my mind is a little off? You can't bring out the crazy immediately. If I did, I'd never get a date.
Something does have to be said for these sites, because I've known several people who have actually been lucky enough to find someone on them. Why not me?
I've been doing a little research, but I haven't ponied up the money yet. One, because I'm cheap. Two, I want to make sure that the site that I pick is going to yield some decent results. If I read one more ad that says, "No offense, but I don't like overweight girls", I'm really going to hurt someone.
Guys, here's a little tip: Saying no offense doesn't soften the blow. At All. We get that you've got a type of girl that you want to meet. That's great. We also don't mind that you express what you're looking for in your ad. But don't say no offense. Saying that just means that you want to make yourself feel better for the offense you're about to say. It may be rude, or hurt someones feelings, but if you feel you must, get it out there. Honesty is always the best policy. Love, the fat and ugly girls.
*The above diatribe was not meant to be bitter, so don't take it as such.*
That's where I am for the moment. I have updated my okcupid page, which is free, and I'm starting to send messages to some guys in this area, so we'll see. The jury is still out on paying money to find a date. So far, cheap me is winning the battle on that one.
PS-I totally could have gone off on another tangent about how guys out there can't seem to like the big girls, and how it pisses me off, but I chose not to. It is what it is. There's a great guy out there for me, and he's gonna like how I am now, and who I'm going to be in the future. I deserve it. That's PROGRESS, you guys.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
If You Really Knew Me..
My friend Karen told me about this show on MTV called "If You Really Knew Me". It's a show that films a group of students that are involved with a program called Challenge Day. Challenge Day is an organization that goes into schools to speak against hate, promote diversity, and to show kids that it's okay to be themselves. For the episode I watched, they filmed at Putnam City West High School, in Oklahoma City.
Here's the show if you want to watch it:
http://www.mtv.com/videos/if-you-really-knew-me-ep-104-putnam-city-west-high-school/1645378/playlist.jhtml
Here's info about Challenge Day:
http://www.challengeday.org/index.php
The show was really funny in some ways. It showed the different stereotypes: the jock, the brain, the class clown, the homecoming queen, the loner. These were the same sort of stereotypes that I had in high school, and some of the kids, especially the homecoming queen(every time she spoke, I wanted to roll my eyes and say, "Seriously?"), stayed true to form. Lots of snarky comments were made in my brain.
As the show went on, you got to learn about what those kids were *really* going through. The class clown's(Malcolm) story really struck me. He was always really funny, making jokes, etc. What you didn't know is that he doesn't know where is mother is, and his grandmother, who he was really close to, died suddenly. After I heard his story, I totally lost it.
The end of the program showed the kids trying to apply what they learned, and it was kind of cheesy.
I think the Challenge Day is a great idea, in theory. Kids these days are total jerks, and alot of them could do well to know what it's life to be in another person's shoes. They spend most of their time pretending to be something that they're not, and by the time they get to be adults, they don't really know themselves. In that respect, the organization can work.
The problem is what happens after the day is over. They do offer a "Next Step" workshop, but not all the kids involved get to go to this. It's just like church camp: You go, have an amazing time, find God and what not, have the "mountaintop experience", and then what? The kids that don't get to go to the workshop; what happens to them?
I really wish they had a program like this when I was in school. I did go to a large high school, so I wonder how effective it would have been. I just wish that I had an opportunity to really get to know alot of people, and have them get to know the real me.
So, in an effort to be more honest, here are three "If you really knew me" things:
If you really knew me:
* You would know that I am probably the most judgemental person ever, when it comes to looks, but I do it to not have to talk about my own body esteem issues.
* For a long time, I hated all African-American men.
* As much as I dislike Oprah, I'm really bummed that I'm not famous enough to go on her show, and it's ending soon.
What about you? What three things could you share. If we *really* knew you?
Here's the show if you want to watch it:
http://www.mtv.com/videos/if-you-really-knew-me-ep-104-putnam-city-west-high-school/1645378/playlist.jhtml
Here's info about Challenge Day:
http://www.challengeday.org/index.php
The show was really funny in some ways. It showed the different stereotypes: the jock, the brain, the class clown, the homecoming queen, the loner. These were the same sort of stereotypes that I had in high school, and some of the kids, especially the homecoming queen(every time she spoke, I wanted to roll my eyes and say, "Seriously?"), stayed true to form. Lots of snarky comments were made in my brain.
As the show went on, you got to learn about what those kids were *really* going through. The class clown's(Malcolm) story really struck me. He was always really funny, making jokes, etc. What you didn't know is that he doesn't know where is mother is, and his grandmother, who he was really close to, died suddenly. After I heard his story, I totally lost it.
The end of the program showed the kids trying to apply what they learned, and it was kind of cheesy.
I think the Challenge Day is a great idea, in theory. Kids these days are total jerks, and alot of them could do well to know what it's life to be in another person's shoes. They spend most of their time pretending to be something that they're not, and by the time they get to be adults, they don't really know themselves. In that respect, the organization can work.
The problem is what happens after the day is over. They do offer a "Next Step" workshop, but not all the kids involved get to go to this. It's just like church camp: You go, have an amazing time, find God and what not, have the "mountaintop experience", and then what? The kids that don't get to go to the workshop; what happens to them?
I really wish they had a program like this when I was in school. I did go to a large high school, so I wonder how effective it would have been. I just wish that I had an opportunity to really get to know alot of people, and have them get to know the real me.
So, in an effort to be more honest, here are three "If you really knew me" things:
If you really knew me:
* You would know that I am probably the most judgemental person ever, when it comes to looks, but I do it to not have to talk about my own body esteem issues.
* For a long time, I hated all African-American men.
* As much as I dislike Oprah, I'm really bummed that I'm not famous enough to go on her show, and it's ending soon.
What about you? What three things could you share. If we *really* knew you?
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Distracted
I'm really bad about keeping up this blog. I would like to get to a point where I write something every day, but I get distracted really easily. So much so, I think that I have ADD. So, in lieu of trying to write about one particular thing, I'm just gonna talk about what's been on my mind lately:
1. I'm in Tulsa now. I've been here for nearly a month now; I can hardly believe it. I'm really proud of myself. Moving here is one of the few things that I said that I was gonna do, and actually DID. The job is okay, not my dream job, but it will do. I'm living with a roommate again, but it's more a tenant/landlord sort of thing. So far, it's going well. She keeps to herself, and so do I. We're friendly, but not overly so. After years of living with my best friend, I like this new arrangement. I enrolled in school today, and am working on getting financial aid in order. So far, so good. I'm really grateful to J, Brian and Karen for listening to me while I fought myself, and all of my drama. You three are my saving grace. And big thanks to everyone on facebook and twitter for having my back. I really couldn't have done this without your love and support. Someone had asked me if I'm happier here. I wouldn't say happier, but I'm more at peace here. I don't know how my friendship with Tia will survive, but since I now have only *my* problems to worry about, the peace that has come over me is amazing. It is lonely sometimes, but that's to be expected. I'm just glad that I'm here.
2. Now that I'm in Tulsa, I want to find a boyfriend. I got my courage up, and asked a guy in my class out. It didn't go well, but at least I tried. I would like to say that I'm a complete romantic, but my cynicism gets the better of me. I want to have someone like me for me, and all that jazz, but it's more than that. I can't explain it. I express myself better through music, so here's a song that describes how I feel about love these days. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=096aXAytYZY
3. I am thrilled that Prop 8 has been ruled as unconstitutional. It's a major breakthrough for equality, and I can't wait until all my GLBT brothers and sisters have the same rights that I do(And when that happens, I am available to be a flower girl.). I do worry about the backlash that is sure to come, and to those who are against gay marriage, here's a message for you: God is Love, and in the end, LOVE always wins. (Big ups to Brian in Seattle; I stole that from his facebook page)
4. Whenever I'm feeling down, this song always peps me back up: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BRv9wGf5pk
Here's to posting more often, or getting tested for ADD.
1. I'm in Tulsa now. I've been here for nearly a month now; I can hardly believe it. I'm really proud of myself. Moving here is one of the few things that I said that I was gonna do, and actually DID. The job is okay, not my dream job, but it will do. I'm living with a roommate again, but it's more a tenant/landlord sort of thing. So far, it's going well. She keeps to herself, and so do I. We're friendly, but not overly so. After years of living with my best friend, I like this new arrangement. I enrolled in school today, and am working on getting financial aid in order. So far, so good. I'm really grateful to J, Brian and Karen for listening to me while I fought myself, and all of my drama. You three are my saving grace. And big thanks to everyone on facebook and twitter for having my back. I really couldn't have done this without your love and support. Someone had asked me if I'm happier here. I wouldn't say happier, but I'm more at peace here. I don't know how my friendship with Tia will survive, but since I now have only *my* problems to worry about, the peace that has come over me is amazing. It is lonely sometimes, but that's to be expected. I'm just glad that I'm here.
2. Now that I'm in Tulsa, I want to find a boyfriend. I got my courage up, and asked a guy in my class out. It didn't go well, but at least I tried. I would like to say that I'm a complete romantic, but my cynicism gets the better of me. I want to have someone like me for me, and all that jazz, but it's more than that. I can't explain it. I express myself better through music, so here's a song that describes how I feel about love these days. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=096aXAytYZY
3. I am thrilled that Prop 8 has been ruled as unconstitutional. It's a major breakthrough for equality, and I can't wait until all my GLBT brothers and sisters have the same rights that I do(And when that happens, I am available to be a flower girl.). I do worry about the backlash that is sure to come, and to those who are against gay marriage, here's a message for you: God is Love, and in the end, LOVE always wins. (Big ups to Brian in Seattle; I stole that from his facebook page)
4. Whenever I'm feeling down, this song always peps me back up: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BRv9wGf5pk
Here's to posting more often, or getting tested for ADD.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
All grown up? Hardly.
Moi at 30.
Looking pretty good, don't you think?
I had planned on writing a huge post about turning 30, and what a big deal that was. As always, I'm the mayor of LazyTown, and I haven't gotten around to it. Turning 30 is a BIG F***ING DEAL(according to Vice President Biden-heh),and I have lots to say about it. There's a pretty huge change going on in my life, and the stress of it is making me F R E A K O U T.
I will say this: I never really thought that I'd make it to 30, and the fact that I've made it this far just proves that God must have something planned for me, right?
I hope so.
Also? I wouldn't have made it to 30 without the following people: M, Brian , J, Karen, Tia(i know, right), my therapist, Dave, Stacey(who I want to be when I'm grown up), Tony,Dena, and all of my Facebook and GCN peeps who show me so much love. You know who you are, and you rock.
I'm not perfect, but I am way better than I was five years ago. I have alot to learn, but I'm ready for it.
*crosses fingers*
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Vacation
I haven't really been on vacation before. I've been to several GCN conferences, but I've never been anywhere for the sake of just going. Since I'm turning 30 soon, I decided that I should go somewhere on my own. I have a really good friend J, who lives in the Maryland/D.C. area, and I hadn't seen him in awhile.
It was an amazing time. I could spend lots of space going over all that happened, but I prefer to keep some of it to myself. Maryland is beautiful, and seeing the Lincoln Memorial was one of the major highlights of my life. If you ever get a chance, see it at night. It's worth it.
I actually did some cooking, which I never do. I don't really get a chance to cook at home, but it was really fun to let loose and let my domestic side come out. According to J, it was pretty good.
We spent alot of time talking, and it was so good to talk to someone who doesn't judge you for things you say, no matter how stupid they sound. And believe me, I said ALOT of stupid things. Thankfully, J is a stand up guy, and he took what I said in stride.
J has a beautiful home, with lots of windows. He has a huge chair near a corner window, and he lives in a busy area, so there's lots of people watching to do. I spent hours doing it, and I haven't been so relaxed in years.
I think the biggest thing that happened this trip is that I got to be me. The real me. I also got to see life beyond anything that I know in Oklahoma. And that life is amazing. There is so much more to me, and to this life that I'm living. I just have to reach out and get it.
And I'm going to. I'm moving to Tulsa. For those of you who know me, know that I love Tulsa, and have been talking about doing it for years. And now, I'm going to. I'm looking for a job, and once I find one, I'm gone. It's not going to be easy, but it needs to be done. I don't want to take a long time to do it, because that gives me time to procrastinate, which is never good.
I haven't told Tia, but I'm going to soon. It's going to be difficult, because she's not completely stable in her life, and I feel guilty. I know that I shouldn't, but I do. I have to fight past that guilt and do it anyway. I think that we have a co-dependent relationship, and for my sanity, I have to make this break. I think we'll be better friends for it.
It's time to stand on my own, and prove my critics wrong.
It was an amazing time. I could spend lots of space going over all that happened, but I prefer to keep some of it to myself. Maryland is beautiful, and seeing the Lincoln Memorial was one of the major highlights of my life. If you ever get a chance, see it at night. It's worth it.
I actually did some cooking, which I never do. I don't really get a chance to cook at home, but it was really fun to let loose and let my domestic side come out. According to J, it was pretty good.
We spent alot of time talking, and it was so good to talk to someone who doesn't judge you for things you say, no matter how stupid they sound. And believe me, I said ALOT of stupid things. Thankfully, J is a stand up guy, and he took what I said in stride.
J has a beautiful home, with lots of windows. He has a huge chair near a corner window, and he lives in a busy area, so there's lots of people watching to do. I spent hours doing it, and I haven't been so relaxed in years.
I think the biggest thing that happened this trip is that I got to be me. The real me. I also got to see life beyond anything that I know in Oklahoma. And that life is amazing. There is so much more to me, and to this life that I'm living. I just have to reach out and get it.
And I'm going to. I'm moving to Tulsa. For those of you who know me, know that I love Tulsa, and have been talking about doing it for years. And now, I'm going to. I'm looking for a job, and once I find one, I'm gone. It's not going to be easy, but it needs to be done. I don't want to take a long time to do it, because that gives me time to procrastinate, which is never good.
I haven't told Tia, but I'm going to soon. It's going to be difficult, because she's not completely stable in her life, and I feel guilty. I know that I shouldn't, but I do. I have to fight past that guilt and do it anyway. I think that we have a co-dependent relationship, and for my sanity, I have to make this break. I think we'll be better friends for it.
It's time to stand on my own, and prove my critics wrong.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Hanging on
I feel that I’m back at square one. That one little phrase has so much power behind it; I don’t need to say anything else. I know that I have it so much better than a lot of people, but I’m throwing all of it away with both hands. I’m passing in school, but barely. I’m still working, but it takes an effort to go work. I contemplate ways to get into an accident. Not enough to kill myself, but enough to where I can escape life for awhile. I started seeing a therapist again, and I feel better immediately after, then I get home and I feel the same old stress again.
Normally I would say that its blood sugar talking, and maybe it is. I joined Weight Watchers, and have made an effort to eat better, but I still feel that my brain is spinning out of control, and I just want to yell “STOP!” and run away screaming. If there was anyway to have a nervous breakdown, I so would.
I feel like an idiot for feeling this way. Everyone is like, “You have so much potential, and you can do awesome things.” And sometimes, I believe them. Other times, I feel like I’m stuck in a hole that I can’t get out of.
My biggest problem? Tia. It’s been nearly a year, and things still aren’t great for her. She’s working, but on a part time basis. She’s still dealing with her legal problems, and money is still an issue. I’ve wanted to move to Tulsa, and I want to do it this summer, but I don’t see how I can. I know the things that I need to do to make this happen, but it is so overwhelming that I can’t put it in motion. I also feel guilty about leaving. I haven’t told her about it. When I wasn’t working a few years ago, she did so much for me, and she was happy to do it. I do things for her, but I don’t feel happy to do it. And that makes me feel like I’m not being a good friend to her. Part of me doesn’t care, but I know that when I do tell her, it’s going to be a confrontation, and I don’t want to deal with it. She reminds me so much of my mother that it’s scary.
Don’t get me wrong, Tia is not a completely bad person. She’s got a lot of good qualities. I think the stress of all that’s gone on with her has made me not like her a whole lot, and our friendship is strained.
Other issues: School and Work. I know that I have the capability to handle going to school and work. I know it. But for some reason, I don’t feel that I deserve to make it. I don’t feel confident enough to do it.
Like I said, I’m seeing a therapist again. It’s been two sessions, and while I feel calmer immediately after, I fall back on my same anxieties. I really thought that I had a handle on this, but I’m not so sure now.
I’ve tried really hard to keep it to myself. I really have. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that everyone has to listen to my crap on twitter and facebook. I have friends that I vent to, but I don’t want to feel like I’m dumping on them all the time.
As much as I want to just throw up my hands and quit everything, I know that I can’t. I’ve come too far to give up now. But I want to. Badly.
Normally I would say that its blood sugar talking, and maybe it is. I joined Weight Watchers, and have made an effort to eat better, but I still feel that my brain is spinning out of control, and I just want to yell “STOP!” and run away screaming. If there was anyway to have a nervous breakdown, I so would.
I feel like an idiot for feeling this way. Everyone is like, “You have so much potential, and you can do awesome things.” And sometimes, I believe them. Other times, I feel like I’m stuck in a hole that I can’t get out of.
My biggest problem? Tia. It’s been nearly a year, and things still aren’t great for her. She’s working, but on a part time basis. She’s still dealing with her legal problems, and money is still an issue. I’ve wanted to move to Tulsa, and I want to do it this summer, but I don’t see how I can. I know the things that I need to do to make this happen, but it is so overwhelming that I can’t put it in motion. I also feel guilty about leaving. I haven’t told her about it. When I wasn’t working a few years ago, she did so much for me, and she was happy to do it. I do things for her, but I don’t feel happy to do it. And that makes me feel like I’m not being a good friend to her. Part of me doesn’t care, but I know that when I do tell her, it’s going to be a confrontation, and I don’t want to deal with it. She reminds me so much of my mother that it’s scary.
Don’t get me wrong, Tia is not a completely bad person. She’s got a lot of good qualities. I think the stress of all that’s gone on with her has made me not like her a whole lot, and our friendship is strained.
Other issues: School and Work. I know that I have the capability to handle going to school and work. I know it. But for some reason, I don’t feel that I deserve to make it. I don’t feel confident enough to do it.
Like I said, I’m seeing a therapist again. It’s been two sessions, and while I feel calmer immediately after, I fall back on my same anxieties. I really thought that I had a handle on this, but I’m not so sure now.
I’ve tried really hard to keep it to myself. I really have. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that everyone has to listen to my crap on twitter and facebook. I have friends that I vent to, but I don’t want to feel like I’m dumping on them all the time.
As much as I want to just throw up my hands and quit everything, I know that I can’t. I’ve come too far to give up now. But I want to. Badly.
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