Distracted

I'm really bad about keeping up this blog. I would like to get to a point where I write something every day, but I get distracted really easily. So much so, I think that I have ADD. So, in lieu of trying to write about one particular thing, I'm just gonna talk about what's been on my mind lately:


1. I'm in Tulsa now. I've been here for nearly a month now; I can hardly believe it. I'm really proud of myself. Moving here is one of the few things that I said that I was gonna do, and actually DID. The job is okay, not my dream job, but it will do. I'm living with a roommate again, but it's more a tenant/landlord sort of thing. So far, it's going well. She keeps to herself, and so do I. We're friendly, but not overly so. After years of living with my best friend, I like this new arrangement. I enrolled in school today, and am working on getting financial aid in order. So far, so good. I'm really grateful to J, Brian and Karen for listening to me while I fought myself, and all of my drama. You three are my saving grace. And big thanks to everyone on facebook and twitter for having my back. I really couldn't have done this without your love and support. Someone had asked me if I'm happier here. I wouldn't say happier, but I'm more at peace here. I don't know how my friendship with Tia will survive, but since I now have only *my* problems to worry about, the peace that has come over me is amazing. It is lonely sometimes, but that's to be expected. I'm just glad that I'm here.


2. Now that I'm in Tulsa, I want to find a boyfriend. I got my courage up, and asked a guy in my class out. It didn't go well, but at least I tried. I would like to say that I'm a complete romantic, but my cynicism gets the better of me. I want to have someone like me for me, and all that jazz, but it's more than that. I can't explain it. I express myself better through music, so here's a song that describes how I feel about love these days. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=096aXAytYZY

3. I am thrilled that Prop 8 has been ruled as unconstitutional. It's a major breakthrough for equality, and I can't wait until all my GLBT brothers and sisters have the same rights that I do(And when that happens, I am available to be a flower girl.). I do worry about the backlash that is sure to come, and to those who are against gay marriage, here's a message for you: God is Love, and in the end, LOVE always wins. (Big ups to Brian in Seattle; I stole that from his facebook page)


4. Whenever I'm feeling down, this song always peps me back up: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BRv9wGf5pk


Here's to posting more often, or getting tested for ADD.

All grown up? Hardly.

Moi at 30.

Looking pretty good, don't you think?

I had planned on writing a huge post about turning 30, and what a big deal that was. As always, I'm the mayor of LazyTown, and I haven't gotten around to it. Turning 30 is a BIG F***ING DEAL(according to Vice President Biden-heh),and I have lots to say about it. There's a pretty huge change going on in my life, and the stress of it is making me F R E A K O U T.

I will say this: I never really thought that I'd make it to 30, and the fact that I've made it this far just proves that God must have something planned for me, right?

I hope so.

Also? I wouldn't have made it to 30 without the following people: M, Brian , J, Karen, Tia(i know, right), my therapist, Dave, Stacey(who I want to be when I'm grown up), Tony,Dena, and all of my Facebook and GCN peeps who show me so much love. You know who you are, and you rock.

I'm not perfect, but I am way better than I was five years ago. I have alot to learn, but I'm ready for it.

*crosses fingers*

Vacation

I haven't really been on vacation before. I've been to several GCN conferences, but I've never been anywhere for the sake of just going. Since I'm turning 30 soon, I decided that I should go somewhere on my own. I have a really good friend J, who lives in the Maryland/D.C. area, and I hadn't seen him in awhile.

It was an amazing time. I could spend lots of space going over all that happened, but I prefer to keep some of it to myself. Maryland is beautiful, and seeing the Lincoln Memorial was one of the major highlights of my life. If you ever get a chance, see it at night. It's worth it.

I actually did some cooking, which I never do. I don't really get a chance to cook at home, but it was really fun to let loose and let my domestic side come out. According to J, it was pretty good.

We spent alot of time talking, and it was so good to talk to someone who doesn't judge you for things you say, no matter how stupid they sound. And believe me, I said ALOT of stupid things. Thankfully, J is a stand up guy, and he took what I said in stride.

J has a beautiful home, with lots of windows. He has a huge chair near a corner window, and he lives in a busy area, so there's lots of people watching to do. I spent hours doing it, and I haven't been so relaxed in years.

I think the biggest thing that happened this trip is that I got to be me. The real me. I also got to see life beyond anything that I know in Oklahoma. And that life is amazing. There is so much more to me, and to this life that I'm living. I just have to reach out and get it.

And I'm going to. I'm moving to Tulsa. For those of you who know me, know that I love Tulsa, and have been talking about doing it for years. And now, I'm going to. I'm looking for a job, and once I find one, I'm gone. It's not going to be easy, but it needs to be done. I don't want to take a long time to do it, because that gives me time to procrastinate, which is never good.

I haven't told Tia, but I'm going to soon. It's going to be difficult, because she's not completely stable in her life, and I feel guilty. I know that I shouldn't, but I do. I have to fight past that guilt and do it anyway. I think that we have a co-dependent relationship, and for my sanity, I have to make this break. I think we'll be better friends for it.

It's time to stand on my own, and prove my critics wrong.

Hanging on

I feel that I’m back at square one. That one little phrase has so much power behind it; I don’t need to say anything else. I know that I have it so much better than a lot of people, but I’m throwing all of it away with both hands. I’m passing in school, but barely. I’m still working, but it takes an effort to go work. I contemplate ways to get into an accident. Not enough to kill myself, but enough to where I can escape life for awhile. I started seeing a therapist again, and I feel better immediately after, then I get home and I feel the same old stress again.

Normally I would say that its blood sugar talking, and maybe it is. I joined Weight Watchers, and have made an effort to eat better, but I still feel that my brain is spinning out of control, and I just want to yell “STOP!” and run away screaming. If there was anyway to have a nervous breakdown, I so would.

I feel like an idiot for feeling this way. Everyone is like, “You have so much potential, and you can do awesome things.” And sometimes, I believe them. Other times, I feel like I’m stuck in a hole that I can’t get out of.

My biggest problem? Tia. It’s been nearly a year, and things still aren’t great for her. She’s working, but on a part time basis. She’s still dealing with her legal problems, and money is still an issue. I’ve wanted to move to Tulsa, and I want to do it this summer, but I don’t see how I can. I know the things that I need to do to make this happen, but it is so overwhelming that I can’t put it in motion. I also feel guilty about leaving. I haven’t told her about it. When I wasn’t working a few years ago, she did so much for me, and she was happy to do it. I do things for her, but I don’t feel happy to do it. And that makes me feel like I’m not being a good friend to her. Part of me doesn’t care, but I know that when I do tell her, it’s going to be a confrontation, and I don’t want to deal with it. She reminds me so much of my mother that it’s scary.

Don’t get me wrong, Tia is not a completely bad person. She’s got a lot of good qualities. I think the stress of all that’s gone on with her has made me not like her a whole lot, and our friendship is strained.

Other issues: School and Work. I know that I have the capability to handle going to school and work. I know it. But for some reason, I don’t feel that I deserve to make it. I don’t feel confident enough to do it.

Like I said, I’m seeing a therapist again. It’s been two sessions, and while I feel calmer immediately after, I fall back on my same anxieties. I really thought that I had a handle on this, but I’m not so sure now.

I’ve tried really hard to keep it to myself. I really have. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that everyone has to listen to my crap on twitter and facebook. I have friends that I vent to, but I don’t want to feel like I’m dumping on them all the time.

As much as I want to just throw up my hands and quit everything, I know that I can’t. I’ve come too far to give up now. But I want to. Badly.

All of me

I was talking to a friend the other day, and he complimented me on how real I am. I asked him why he thought that, and he said that I was really honest about myself, and I said what I thought about everything. I found it really funny at time, because I don’t think I’m completely real all the time. I don’t lie of course (I am a horrible liar), but I don’t present the complete picture of who I am to everyone. I call it self-editing.

I don’t think that I do it on purpose. If you didn’t know, I am very concerned in how I appear to people. Even though I say that I don’t, I really care what people think about me. I’ve been a people-pleaser from way back. Having a demanding, crazy, drama queen for mother sort of makes you that way. I want people to think that I’m this hard-ass; don’t give a fuck, smart aleck chick who is awesome 100% of the time. I want to be able to say what I want, and not care what people think about me. I also want to be seen as this really nice person who cares about everyone. Then there’s the insecure part of me who is scared, angry, and depressed (if you’re on facebook, you see this a lot).

If you’ve known me for any length of time, you’ve seen various parts of my personality. There are very few people who have seen it all, and miraclously they’re still my friends.

To be honest, it’s really more about trusting people. I’m so afraid that people are going to think badly of me, that I don’t say what I want to say all the time. I don’t trust people enough to let them decide for themselves. It’s something that I’m committed to changing. You don’t get very far in life by not trusting people, and there are so many awesome people in my life that I want to know all of me, the real me.

So expect a more complete Nikki. A Nikki that is all of those crazy and fantastic parts wrapped up into someone that is honest, decent, confident, and funny.

Like everything else, it’s a work in progress.

PS-In my new quest to be more honest, here’s something that I’ve really wanted to say for the last few days, but have been too worried about the consequences, and what people might think:

Hey Cleve North! I don't agree with your opinion on health care, but it doesn’t make me stupid. I just don’t agree with you and I have every right to. I think a big part of the Republican Party are a bunch of DAMNED FOOLS. In my opinion, health care is a RIGHT, and I don’t care how it gets paid for, it just needs to get done. The current bill isn’t perfect, but it’s a start in the right direction. If your party had their way, more people would continue to get sick and die because you want to talk shit to death. I did read a good portion of the bill, and I came to my OWN conclusions, not because of what someone in the media said was right.

You sir, are an arrogant jerk, and you can kiss the fattest part of my fantastic bi-racial ASS.

Dedicated to the haters

So, I promised you a post about my faith. And I'm gonna do one, but I'm not feeling insipired about faith at the moment. So, here's one of my favorite songs. I'd like to dedicate it to all of my haters. If you've got people who are hating on what you're trying to do, keep doing what you're doing, and...brush your shoulders off.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oz_-VaTHpc8

Thoughts from a fatty

This is a difficult blog for me to write, but it needs to be addressed. It’s a subject that I’ve not really addressed, and I don’t like talking about it, but it’s time.

My weight.


In case you haven’t noticed, I’m fat. Or full figured, chunky, extra curvy, or whatever politically correct term people are using these days. In clinical (and more uncomfortable) terms, morbidly obese.


I could spend a whole blog post documenting the reasons why I’m so heavy, but what’s the point really? It’s really not that complicated. I love food, exercise sucks. There are some underlying things about how being fat keeps me safe, and the whole sexual abuse, hiding myself from men thing, but I’m dealing with those. To be honest, those things aren’t as big of an issue anymore.


Oh, and being diagnosed with diabetes, which could possibly KILL ME is a pretty big deal too. Since I have fear of death and all.


More simply though, I’m tired of being fat. Yes, I’ve said that before, but it’s become clearer now.

I’m sick of having to go to specialty stores to buy clothes, clothes I don’t even really like. I’m sick of not being able to walk more than a mile without wanting to pass out and/or punch someone. I want to have energy to move around, to dance (I really love dancing), even to RUN.


I want to be pretty. I know that people have told me that I’m pretty now, and while I’m grateful for the compliments, I don’t really believe it. I have a pretty face, and of course my hair is FANTASTIC. The rest of my body leaves something to be desired. I want to date guys that can see the real me, and not reject me immediately because of how I look. I am smart, funny, and I mostly have my life together. But guys can’t see that, because I don’t have confidence in how I look. Yes, there are guys that are into heavier women, and I’m down with the whole fat acceptance thing. But if I don’t like how I look, then I will always be suspicious of why those guys really like me. I’m tired of being the desperate fat chick that guys will only just sleep with. I’m tired of sleeping with guys like that because I need some kind of attention. I’m better than that.


So, what am I doing about it? Not a lot really. When I was diagnosed with diabetes last April, I went all out, started walking a lot, and seeing a nutritionist. While I’m still walking, I’m not really controlling my eating as much as I should. I love food. I LOOOOVE carbs and I’m especially obsessed with chicken nuggets and ramen noodles. I am not eating late at night, and I rarely eat sweets at all. I’ve lost thirty pounds so far, and it’s kind of just stayed there.


An option that has been on the table for a long time is weight loss surgery. It’s not really something that I’ve seriously considered, because of the health risks (death!), and people can see it as an easy way out, a cure. I know that it’s not, and it can’t be seen that way. But let’s face it, I need help. I’m more than 200 pounds over my suggested weight, and while I don’t want to get down to that weight,
I really think that losing 100 pounds or more would help me.


So, I’ve been thinking about having the Lap Band procedure done. It’s less evasive than a typical gastric bypass, and it allows for a gradual weight loss. It is expensive, and my insurance will cover ninety percent of it after I have documented at least six months of serious weight loss under a doctor’s care. I’m planning on joining a gym (no, seriously), so that I can take a water aerobics class. Water aerobics is a great way for people of my size to start exercising, because it’s not as excruciating on our bodies. At some point, I’d like to get a trainer. I need to cut drastically the amount of carbs from my life, which is a daunting task. I’m not sure how I can live in a world where chicken nuggets(damn you Wendy’s!) are not a part of it, but it can be done. And it has to be done, on a budget, because I’m not rich.


So, that’s where I am. I’ve done a lot of thinking about it, and it’s not something that’s going to happen overnight. And I’m not really asking for your support/help, but if you want to help keep me motivated, I’d be grateful. At the end of the day, the only one who can motivate me is me. I’m one of the laziest people EVER, but I know when enough is enough.
Diabetes runs in my family, and I’m scared. My grandmother died from it, my uncle died from it, my mother WILL die from it, and I don’t want to die from it (I actually don’t want to die at all really, but that’s another subject for another day). I have sleep apnea, and sleeping with a C-Pap machine is uncomfortable as hell.



To be honest, it’s just TIME. I know that I joke a lot about my weight, but it’s no joke. I look at myself in the mirror, and I see just a blob of fat and stretch marks, and, to use a cliché, I see a smaller girl in there, waiting to get out.
It’s time to let her out.