All grown up? Hardly.

Moi at 30.

Looking pretty good, don't you think?

I had planned on writing a huge post about turning 30, and what a big deal that was. As always, I'm the mayor of LazyTown, and I haven't gotten around to it. Turning 30 is a BIG F***ING DEAL(according to Vice President Biden-heh),and I have lots to say about it. There's a pretty huge change going on in my life, and the stress of it is making me F R E A K O U T.

I will say this: I never really thought that I'd make it to 30, and the fact that I've made it this far just proves that God must have something planned for me, right?

I hope so.

Also? I wouldn't have made it to 30 without the following people: M, Brian , J, Karen, Tia(i know, right), my therapist, Dave, Stacey(who I want to be when I'm grown up), Tony,Dena, and all of my Facebook and GCN peeps who show me so much love. You know who you are, and you rock.

I'm not perfect, but I am way better than I was five years ago. I have alot to learn, but I'm ready for it.

*crosses fingers*

Vacation

I haven't really been on vacation before. I've been to several GCN conferences, but I've never been anywhere for the sake of just going. Since I'm turning 30 soon, I decided that I should go somewhere on my own. I have a really good friend J, who lives in the Maryland/D.C. area, and I hadn't seen him in awhile.

It was an amazing time. I could spend lots of space going over all that happened, but I prefer to keep some of it to myself. Maryland is beautiful, and seeing the Lincoln Memorial was one of the major highlights of my life. If you ever get a chance, see it at night. It's worth it.

I actually did some cooking, which I never do. I don't really get a chance to cook at home, but it was really fun to let loose and let my domestic side come out. According to J, it was pretty good.

We spent alot of time talking, and it was so good to talk to someone who doesn't judge you for things you say, no matter how stupid they sound. And believe me, I said ALOT of stupid things. Thankfully, J is a stand up guy, and he took what I said in stride.

J has a beautiful home, with lots of windows. He has a huge chair near a corner window, and he lives in a busy area, so there's lots of people watching to do. I spent hours doing it, and I haven't been so relaxed in years.

I think the biggest thing that happened this trip is that I got to be me. The real me. I also got to see life beyond anything that I know in Oklahoma. And that life is amazing. There is so much more to me, and to this life that I'm living. I just have to reach out and get it.

And I'm going to. I'm moving to Tulsa. For those of you who know me, know that I love Tulsa, and have been talking about doing it for years. And now, I'm going to. I'm looking for a job, and once I find one, I'm gone. It's not going to be easy, but it needs to be done. I don't want to take a long time to do it, because that gives me time to procrastinate, which is never good.

I haven't told Tia, but I'm going to soon. It's going to be difficult, because she's not completely stable in her life, and I feel guilty. I know that I shouldn't, but I do. I have to fight past that guilt and do it anyway. I think that we have a co-dependent relationship, and for my sanity, I have to make this break. I think we'll be better friends for it.

It's time to stand on my own, and prove my critics wrong.

Hanging on

I feel that I’m back at square one. That one little phrase has so much power behind it; I don’t need to say anything else. I know that I have it so much better than a lot of people, but I’m throwing all of it away with both hands. I’m passing in school, but barely. I’m still working, but it takes an effort to go work. I contemplate ways to get into an accident. Not enough to kill myself, but enough to where I can escape life for awhile. I started seeing a therapist again, and I feel better immediately after, then I get home and I feel the same old stress again.

Normally I would say that its blood sugar talking, and maybe it is. I joined Weight Watchers, and have made an effort to eat better, but I still feel that my brain is spinning out of control, and I just want to yell “STOP!” and run away screaming. If there was anyway to have a nervous breakdown, I so would.

I feel like an idiot for feeling this way. Everyone is like, “You have so much potential, and you can do awesome things.” And sometimes, I believe them. Other times, I feel like I’m stuck in a hole that I can’t get out of.

My biggest problem? Tia. It’s been nearly a year, and things still aren’t great for her. She’s working, but on a part time basis. She’s still dealing with her legal problems, and money is still an issue. I’ve wanted to move to Tulsa, and I want to do it this summer, but I don’t see how I can. I know the things that I need to do to make this happen, but it is so overwhelming that I can’t put it in motion. I also feel guilty about leaving. I haven’t told her about it. When I wasn’t working a few years ago, she did so much for me, and she was happy to do it. I do things for her, but I don’t feel happy to do it. And that makes me feel like I’m not being a good friend to her. Part of me doesn’t care, but I know that when I do tell her, it’s going to be a confrontation, and I don’t want to deal with it. She reminds me so much of my mother that it’s scary.

Don’t get me wrong, Tia is not a completely bad person. She’s got a lot of good qualities. I think the stress of all that’s gone on with her has made me not like her a whole lot, and our friendship is strained.

Other issues: School and Work. I know that I have the capability to handle going to school and work. I know it. But for some reason, I don’t feel that I deserve to make it. I don’t feel confident enough to do it.

Like I said, I’m seeing a therapist again. It’s been two sessions, and while I feel calmer immediately after, I fall back on my same anxieties. I really thought that I had a handle on this, but I’m not so sure now.

I’ve tried really hard to keep it to myself. I really have. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that everyone has to listen to my crap on twitter and facebook. I have friends that I vent to, but I don’t want to feel like I’m dumping on them all the time.

As much as I want to just throw up my hands and quit everything, I know that I can’t. I’ve come too far to give up now. But I want to. Badly.

In Remberance

Today marks the 15th anniversary of the bombing in Oklahoma City. Until September 11th, it was the worst attack on U.S. soil.

I was 14, and in 9th grade at Longfellow Junior High in Enid, Oklahoma. I was late for english class, because I was busy talking to a guy that I had a crush on at the time. My teacher was giving me crap about being late when one of the assistant principals came in and told us the news. I remember being in shock, and wondering how something like this could happen here, in Oklahoma, where it seemed like the only thing that happened were tornadoes.

I went home and sat with my mom and little brother watching the news, and saw the damage, and I was scared. I think it was the first time that I remember being truly aware of death. It scared me .

Today MSNBC is airing The McVeigh Tapes, a series of tapes recorded by Timothy McVeigh before his execution. In it, he talks about the bombing, and his feelings behind what happened. I'll probably watch it, because I've always had a strange curiosity about him. I just can't understand how one person filled with hate can cause so much damage. What happened to him in his life that caused him to do such a thing?

Some of the victims have expressed concerns about the show, saying that it's not going to solve anything. I worry that the state of craziness going on in the country(ie Teabaggers, that woman who was a Vice President nominee), listening to the hate that McVeigh had is going to further incite the stupidity that is going on. I hope it won't, and will show people what hate can do.

In the meantime, I'm going to pray for all the survivors, the ones who died, and everyone who has had their life affected by this tragedy. If you're reading this, tell the people you love how you feel about them today. Life is short. If you're reading this, then you mean something to me, and I love you.

The joy of childhood

Despite all the crap that happened, I had a really good childhood. I grew up in California, in a town called San Bernardino. My mom and I lived in an apartment complex across the street from my elementary school. My grandma lived a few miles away, and I spent the weekends there when my mom had to work. My two best friends were Josie and Cynthia. We did everything together. There was a huge grassy area in the middle of the complex, and that was our playground. We played lots of pretend games, ran around like crazy, and played more Barbie’s than any girl should be allowed to play.

Summertime was the best time. I would wake up early (that doesn’t happen now!), eat a bowl of cereal, and run outside to play. I’d spend all day outside, only going inside to eat, if my mom could get me to come inside. We rode bikes, roller-skated, and played on the slip and slide until we were wrinkled. The best time of day was at sunset, when the adults would venture out, and somebody would turn on a radio. We’d all be dancing and singing as the sun went down. Or someone would grill out, and we all stuffed ourselves full of hamburgers and hotdogs. We’d stay out sometimes until nearly midnight; us kids playing freeze tag and hide and seek, and the adults laughing and talking about grownup things. During the summer, someone would spend the night at my house, or I’d be at someone else’s. We’d play games and talk until a parent told us to go to bed, and then we’d wake up and do it all over again.

It was some of the best times of my life. You’ll be hearing more about my childhood. There were some crazy times, and I want to get back to the joy that I had then.

All of me

I was talking to a friend the other day, and he complimented me on how real I am. I asked him why he thought that, and he said that I was really honest about myself, and I said what I thought about everything. I found it really funny at time, because I don’t think I’m completely real all the time. I don’t lie of course (I am a horrible liar), but I don’t present the complete picture of who I am to everyone. I call it self-editing.

I don’t think that I do it on purpose. If you didn’t know, I am very concerned in how I appear to people. Even though I say that I don’t, I really care what people think about me. I’ve been a people-pleaser from way back. Having a demanding, crazy, drama queen for mother sort of makes you that way. I want people to think that I’m this hard-ass; don’t give a fuck, smart aleck chick who is awesome 100% of the time. I want to be able to say what I want, and not care what people think about me. I also want to be seen as this really nice person who cares about everyone. Then there’s the insecure part of me who is scared, angry, and depressed (if you’re on facebook, you see this a lot).

If you’ve known me for any length of time, you’ve seen various parts of my personality. There are very few people who have seen it all, and miraclously they’re still my friends.

To be honest, it’s really more about trusting people. I’m so afraid that people are going to think badly of me, that I don’t say what I want to say all the time. I don’t trust people enough to let them decide for themselves. It’s something that I’m committed to changing. You don’t get very far in life by not trusting people, and there are so many awesome people in my life that I want to know all of me, the real me.

So expect a more complete Nikki. A Nikki that is all of those crazy and fantastic parts wrapped up into someone that is honest, decent, confident, and funny.

Like everything else, it’s a work in progress.

PS-In my new quest to be more honest, here’s something that I’ve really wanted to say for the last few days, but have been too worried about the consequences, and what people might think:

Hey Cleve North! I don't agree with your opinion on health care, but it doesn’t make me stupid. I just don’t agree with you and I have every right to. I think a big part of the Republican Party are a bunch of DAMNED FOOLS. In my opinion, health care is a RIGHT, and I don’t care how it gets paid for, it just needs to get done. The current bill isn’t perfect, but it’s a start in the right direction. If your party had their way, more people would continue to get sick and die because you want to talk shit to death. I did read a good portion of the bill, and I came to my OWN conclusions, not because of what someone in the media said was right.

You sir, are an arrogant jerk, and you can kiss the fattest part of my fantastic bi-racial ASS.

Dedicated to the haters

So, I promised you a post about my faith. And I'm gonna do one, but I'm not feeling insipired about faith at the moment. So, here's one of my favorite songs. I'd like to dedicate it to all of my haters. If you've got people who are hating on what you're trying to do, keep doing what you're doing, and...brush your shoulders off.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oz_-VaTHpc8