All of me

I was talking to a friend the other day, and he complimented me on how real I am. I asked him why he thought that, and he said that I was really honest about myself, and I said what I thought about everything. I found it really funny at time, because I don’t think I’m completely real all the time. I don’t lie of course (I am a horrible liar), but I don’t present the complete picture of who I am to everyone. I call it self-editing.

I don’t think that I do it on purpose. If you didn’t know, I am very concerned in how I appear to people. Even though I say that I don’t, I really care what people think about me. I’ve been a people-pleaser from way back. Having a demanding, crazy, drama queen for mother sort of makes you that way. I want people to think that I’m this hard-ass; don’t give a fuck, smart aleck chick who is awesome 100% of the time. I want to be able to say what I want, and not care what people think about me. I also want to be seen as this really nice person who cares about everyone. Then there’s the insecure part of me who is scared, angry, and depressed (if you’re on facebook, you see this a lot).

If you’ve known me for any length of time, you’ve seen various parts of my personality. There are very few people who have seen it all, and miraclously they’re still my friends.

To be honest, it’s really more about trusting people. I’m so afraid that people are going to think badly of me, that I don’t say what I want to say all the time. I don’t trust people enough to let them decide for themselves. It’s something that I’m committed to changing. You don’t get very far in life by not trusting people, and there are so many awesome people in my life that I want to know all of me, the real me.

So expect a more complete Nikki. A Nikki that is all of those crazy and fantastic parts wrapped up into someone that is honest, decent, confident, and funny.

Like everything else, it’s a work in progress.

PS-In my new quest to be more honest, here’s something that I’ve really wanted to say for the last few days, but have been too worried about the consequences, and what people might think:

Hey Cleve North! I don't agree with your opinion on health care, but it doesn’t make me stupid. I just don’t agree with you and I have every right to. I think a big part of the Republican Party are a bunch of DAMNED FOOLS. In my opinion, health care is a RIGHT, and I don’t care how it gets paid for, it just needs to get done. The current bill isn’t perfect, but it’s a start in the right direction. If your party had their way, more people would continue to get sick and die because you want to talk shit to death. I did read a good portion of the bill, and I came to my OWN conclusions, not because of what someone in the media said was right.

You sir, are an arrogant jerk, and you can kiss the fattest part of my fantastic bi-racial ASS.

Dedicated to the haters

So, I promised you a post about my faith. And I'm gonna do one, but I'm not feeling insipired about faith at the moment. So, here's one of my favorite songs. I'd like to dedicate it to all of my haters. If you've got people who are hating on what you're trying to do, keep doing what you're doing, and...brush your shoulders off.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oz_-VaTHpc8

Thoughts from a fatty

This is a difficult blog for me to write, but it needs to be addressed. It’s a subject that I’ve not really addressed, and I don’t like talking about it, but it’s time.

My weight.


In case you haven’t noticed, I’m fat. Or full figured, chunky, extra curvy, or whatever politically correct term people are using these days. In clinical (and more uncomfortable) terms, morbidly obese.


I could spend a whole blog post documenting the reasons why I’m so heavy, but what’s the point really? It’s really not that complicated. I love food, exercise sucks. There are some underlying things about how being fat keeps me safe, and the whole sexual abuse, hiding myself from men thing, but I’m dealing with those. To be honest, those things aren’t as big of an issue anymore.


Oh, and being diagnosed with diabetes, which could possibly KILL ME is a pretty big deal too. Since I have fear of death and all.


More simply though, I’m tired of being fat. Yes, I’ve said that before, but it’s become clearer now.

I’m sick of having to go to specialty stores to buy clothes, clothes I don’t even really like. I’m sick of not being able to walk more than a mile without wanting to pass out and/or punch someone. I want to have energy to move around, to dance (I really love dancing), even to RUN.


I want to be pretty. I know that people have told me that I’m pretty now, and while I’m grateful for the compliments, I don’t really believe it. I have a pretty face, and of course my hair is FANTASTIC. The rest of my body leaves something to be desired. I want to date guys that can see the real me, and not reject me immediately because of how I look. I am smart, funny, and I mostly have my life together. But guys can’t see that, because I don’t have confidence in how I look. Yes, there are guys that are into heavier women, and I’m down with the whole fat acceptance thing. But if I don’t like how I look, then I will always be suspicious of why those guys really like me. I’m tired of being the desperate fat chick that guys will only just sleep with. I’m tired of sleeping with guys like that because I need some kind of attention. I’m better than that.


So, what am I doing about it? Not a lot really. When I was diagnosed with diabetes last April, I went all out, started walking a lot, and seeing a nutritionist. While I’m still walking, I’m not really controlling my eating as much as I should. I love food. I LOOOOVE carbs and I’m especially obsessed with chicken nuggets and ramen noodles. I am not eating late at night, and I rarely eat sweets at all. I’ve lost thirty pounds so far, and it’s kind of just stayed there.


An option that has been on the table for a long time is weight loss surgery. It’s not really something that I’ve seriously considered, because of the health risks (death!), and people can see it as an easy way out, a cure. I know that it’s not, and it can’t be seen that way. But let’s face it, I need help. I’m more than 200 pounds over my suggested weight, and while I don’t want to get down to that weight,
I really think that losing 100 pounds or more would help me.


So, I’ve been thinking about having the Lap Band procedure done. It’s less evasive than a typical gastric bypass, and it allows for a gradual weight loss. It is expensive, and my insurance will cover ninety percent of it after I have documented at least six months of serious weight loss under a doctor’s care. I’m planning on joining a gym (no, seriously), so that I can take a water aerobics class. Water aerobics is a great way for people of my size to start exercising, because it’s not as excruciating on our bodies. At some point, I’d like to get a trainer. I need to cut drastically the amount of carbs from my life, which is a daunting task. I’m not sure how I can live in a world where chicken nuggets(damn you Wendy’s!) are not a part of it, but it can be done. And it has to be done, on a budget, because I’m not rich.


So, that’s where I am. I’ve done a lot of thinking about it, and it’s not something that’s going to happen overnight. And I’m not really asking for your support/help, but if you want to help keep me motivated, I’d be grateful. At the end of the day, the only one who can motivate me is me. I’m one of the laziest people EVER, but I know when enough is enough.
Diabetes runs in my family, and I’m scared. My grandmother died from it, my uncle died from it, my mother WILL die from it, and I don’t want to die from it (I actually don’t want to die at all really, but that’s another subject for another day). I have sleep apnea, and sleeping with a C-Pap machine is uncomfortable as hell.



To be honest, it’s just TIME. I know that I joke a lot about my weight, but it’s no joke. I look at myself in the mirror, and I see just a blob of fat and stretch marks, and, to use a cliché, I see a smaller girl in there, waiting to get out.
It’s time to let her out.

Snow Day Video Extravaganza!

So, it's snowing in Oklahoma, and it's REALLY BIG DEAL. I swear, I think the meteorologists are downright giddy about it. Surprisingly, my job closed today(!!!), so I'm at home. I'm not gonna lie, I feel like a kid, because it's rare to get a day off of work due the weather. I don't have anything profound to write about, so we're gonna play around with this Blogger technology, and post some of my favorite songs. This is not a complete list, because I LOVE music, and it would take a really long time to name them all.

Here we go:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrO4YZeyl0I

I'll be honest, I didn't like Lady Gaga at first. I liked some of her songs, but her fashion had me confused. It wasn't until I saw this video that I really just *got* her. It's one of the most visually stunning videos that I've seen in a long time, and I can totally relate to the lyrics. You could write a book around that song.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YFBYtGi4xo

I LOVE Prince. This song would be perfect for ...well, a stripper routine. Not that I know anything about that sort of thing. AHEM.






http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UFIYGkROII


This song has no real meaning, it's just catchy as hell. I know a part of the dance, and it's my mission in life to learn the whole thing.




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FY2WxSNuU_8

Finally, one of my favorite love songs. It makes me think of M, but not in a bad way. Someday I'm gonna write a post about my obsession with Love Songs.

These are just a few of my favorites. Enjoy!

Now I'm off to study....no seriously.

Confronting the monster

The spring semester of my first year back in college is upon me, and , I’m F R E A K I N G O U T. While I did get pretty decent grades last semester, my cumulative g.p.a is still a low 1.8, because my grades from 10 years ago still count. 1.8 is not good enough for the admissions gods, so I’m on Academic Probation. Fun times. That means that I’m going to have to get pretty much all A’s in order to bump it up to get off of probation. In addition to my journalism classes*, I’m taking math and science, and the syllabus for those two classes are INTENSE. I’m gonna have to put in some W O R K, and I’m not gonna lie, I’m lazy. I got good grades last semester, but I got really lucky, because I procrastinated a lot .

A few things will help me make it through this semester:

1. I’m competitive: In one of my journalism classes, there is a girl who I’m not too fond of. We’ll call her….Linda. Linda is a pretty good writer, but has this, “I’m SO awesome, and you’re SO …not attitude” that it makes me roll my eyes. She also made a comment about older students being in community college early on last semester that took all of my home training to not slap her. Am I a hater? Maybe. Having her in my class will make me want to do everything I can to be a better writer.

2. Getting Organized: I have all the tips to getting organized, but implementing them is going to be trouble. Like we all know, I’m lazy. I can think of several things that I could be doing instead of what I’m supposed to be doing. The procrastination monster is one I’m gonna have to confront this year, and believe me, she is a tough cookie. Even as I type this she’s all, “Bring it, bitch! You ain’t ready” (yes, she’s a little ghetto). As you can tell, I’m uber-excited.


All in all, it’s gonna be an adventure, and I do love a good adventure. Last semester was a practice round. There are so many things I want to do in college, and graduating with honors is one of them. It’s time to put up or shut up.

* A bonus! The really yummy guy from my news writing class last semester(we’ll call him NY) is gonna be in one my classes this time around! Score!*

For the Jesus

I’ve been back from the GCN conference for nearly a week now, but I’m just now sitting down to reflect on what happened. I’m pretty private about my faith, so don’t get all freaked out if I talk about God a lot in this post. I’ll be back to the snarkiness you know and love soon.

For everyone who doesn’t know, GCN stands for the Gay Christian Network. It’s an organization that supports Christians that are Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual or Transgendered (GLBT for short). I’ve been involved with them since 2002, and it’s been such a blessing to see so many people grow in the knowledge that God loves them, NO MATTER WHAT. I know lot of people that may not agree with me on that point; that they think Homosexuality is a sin. I’m not going to go into depth here, but I totally disagree with you. We could have a huge biblical discussion about it, but that’s not my bag. I believe with my whole heart that God is totally okay with it, and if Jesus had a problem with it, I’m sure he would have said something about it. As far as my bible knowledge goes, he doesn’t. Some may not agree, and that’s fine. I’m not going to waiver from what I know in my heart.

*A quick tangent. Just in case you were wondering, I’m straight. It’s funny to me how many people think that my involvement with GCN is because I’m a lesbian. I’m not. If you still don’t believe it after the above statement, that’s your problem, not mine.*

I’ve been involved with GCN for a long time, and each year since 2004, they’ve held a conference in a different city. Dallas, Orlando, Seattle, Washington DC, Anaheim, and now Nashville. I’ve been to all of them except Seattle, and that was only because I was mad at everyone and refused to get on a plane that year (I detest flying). The conference is a chance for members, family and friends to get together to fellowship, worship, and attend workshops about various topics about living as a Gay Christian. A lot of the workshops weren’t really for me, but I’ve always gone to see friends that I normally don’t get to see, and just show my support.

Every year before the conference, I get all worked up, and insist that I’m not going. In the past, I had expectations about how I thought my time there should be, and when the experience didn’t live up to my expectations, I would mark off the whole experience as horrible. It didn’t help that I was dealing with anxiety (but didn’t know it yet), and other emotional issues that I hadn’t dealt with. I was determined that this year would be different, but I didn’t know how it would be. The anxiety isn’t so bad anymore (say what you want, but I’m thankful for meds. They’ve saved me), and I’m better at dealing with my freak outs Yet, I still wondered if I needed to be there. I voiced my concerns on Facebook, and a really good friend (Thanks Peggy!), pointed out that maybe that I should go without any expectations, and that maybe my experience would be different. After a little drama with finding somewhere to stay (big love to Terry for taking pity on me), I finally decided to go, carpooling with local GCN’ers Tony and Brenden.

The conference started on a Thursday, but there were some winter weather coming our way, so I thought we could get ahead of it by leaving Wednesday night. All was well at first, and while there was a lot of wind, it didn’t become a problem until we left Little Rock. We figured that we were coming behind some snow and ice, but about an hour outside of Little Rock, traffic on the highway came to a standstill. Completely. We were parked on the highway for nearly an hour, and I was driving, and I got annoyed pretty quickly. After getting started again, we passed about four different accidents involving Semi trucks. Fun times. It normally takes maybe three, or at the most, four hours to get through Arkansas. For us, it took nearly six. I drove through most of it, and it was so S L O W. I thought we were never going to hit Tennessee. About 30 minutes away from the border, I’d had it, and I started cursing under my breath while the boys were sleeping. Finally, we made into Tennessee, and Tony took over (God bless him).

The trip went a little faster, but what was normally a 10 or 12 hour trip turned into sixteen. We finally made it to the hotel, and all my old fears came back. What if everyone was staring at me? That no one would talk to me! That my shoes were ugly! After talking with a few friends (James! Xoxo), I was able to go down and see people.

The rest of conference passed by quickly, but there were a lot of highlights. Hearing well known minister Tony Campolo speak on Friday was a big one. He’s a huge asset to the GLBT community, and while he’s not in support of Gay marriage, it wasn’t a big deal. He’s a huge supporter of rights in the GLBT community, and I think that’s the most important.

Friday lunch was spent hanging with people in my age group (we have a message board, and one of the small groups is for one that were born between 1977 and 1981) at really yummy Italian restaurant. As we were leaving, it had gotten colder and started to snow (again), and I had walked a few blocks uphill before the fat chick in me had enough. Tony and Jeremy were SO kind to walk me back to the restaurant, so that I could call a cab. Yes, I called a cab. An extravagance maybe, but it was worth it. I think it was less than 5 bucks.

Friday dinner was spent with the women of GCN. Women have never been the biggest demographic on GCN, but a lot more women are joining. I think there were about 40 of us, and we met at a restaurant nearby. Being me, I had to make it an adventure. I had seen the restaurant earlier when I was walking to lunch, but that was in the daylight. I thought I was going the way in the dark, but I had walked about 5 blocks before I realized I was lost. A homeless man named Paul helped point me in the right direction. I gave him 50 dollars (yes, I know). After finally showing up, I had a good time talking with Laura, and some of the other girls at my table. I’m horrible with names, so I’m sorry if I didn’t remember everyone who sat at my table. For someone that doesn’t have a lot of women friends, it was good to hang out with so many awesome women.

Saturday came with a testimony by Mary Lou Wallner, a straight woman who lost her Lesbian daughter in 1997 to suicide. After her daughter’s death, Mary Lou came to realize that God was okay with homosexuality. Her testimony was powerful, and I think every parent who has a gay child needs to hear it. Of course, I cried. After a good lunch with some of the GCN moderators, I went to a workshop on relationships. The presenter, Ling, was hilarious(and the best hugger. EVER), and very informative. Seriously. We did this exercise where we had to go palm to palm with someone in the room that we didn’t know, and we each had 30 seconds to control our hand movements, with our eyes closed. A funny exercise, and the woman I did it with (I need to get better at remembering names) and I were giggling hysterically. I did notice that while the other person was in charge, I was passively allowing her to be in charge, but secretly wondering if I could still be in charge too. Control issues? I think yes.

Saturday night was a concert with Derek Webb and Kori Ashton, but I skipped it. Naughty I know, but I did have a good time talking with Brandon, although I’m sure I got on his nerves (love you B! mean it!). After the concert, I had a really good dinner in the bar with a longtime friend Christine, her partner Theresa (who are sooo cute btw), and a friend of theirs,but I can't remember her name. I think it was Kathy. Maybe. Anyway, dinner was yummy and hilarious. After that I had some really good conversations with Jon, and later with Dennis. Both are really good guys, and I’m glad I had a chance to connect with both. Late Saturday night, Brandon had asked me if I wanted to help with Communion the next day. I was a bit nervous (my first response was, I’m not Catholic!), but I agreed.

I’ll be honest; I have no idea what Justin talked about Sunday morning. I was a little (a lot!) sleepy from the late night, and I dozed some. Sorry Justin! After Justin’s time, I was able to participate in giving communion. I’m not the most spiritual person, but I was honored to be able to serve and bond a little with the people that came up.

We left soon after the conference was over, but we did stop to have some BBQ on the way out with some GCN’ers that I had never met. I had a cheeseburger, but the BBQ sauce was not that yummy. I took Tony and me about 13 hours to get home, but we were both exhausted that it seemed like forever.

This conference was the best experience that I’ve had. Nothing profound happened, but this time I was able to put my own selfishness aside (for the most part), and really just listen to people. I always tell people that I don’t go to GCN conferences for “The Jesus”, but God seems to make himself known to me every time. I love how he does that. The worship songs reminded me of how much I miss going to a regular church, but I’m still struggling with how to still have faith in God, when my beliefs aren’t what they were 10 years ago. That’s another blog for another day.

It was amazing to see some many new GCN’ers come to the conference and experience God’s love in a tangible way. I’m humbled and honored that I’m allowed to share that journey with them, and the tons of people that I didn’t get to meet. As always, I stand with you.

Next year, Denver. A totally drivable trip, but this time, I think I’m getting on a plane.

· A few links to check out:

http://gaychristian.net If you wanna know more about this community and what they do. Haters not allowed.

http://www.teach-ministries.org/index.html Mary Lou Wallner’s awesome organization.

Nashville!

I don't have a lot to say, but I thought it was important to blog SOMETHING, since I started this new blog and all. I'm in Nashville, where I'm attending the GCN Conference(http://www.gaychristian.net/conference if you wanna check it out) Going to the conference is a struggle for me, since the crowds screw with my anxiety, and my snarkiness(read: I'm a bitch) is coming out in full force. I'm trying really hard to not have any expectations, and to be kind. So far, it's going okay. I just keep telling myself to be cool. So, we'll see.

PS- It is FREAKING COLD in Nashville. I have got to move to a state or country where winter does not happen in the extreme. Any suggestions?

PPS- There's this really cuuuute waiter that works in the hotel bar. It makes up for a lot.