If You Really Knew Me..

My friend Karen told me about this show on MTV called "If You Really Knew Me". It's a show that films a group of students that are involved with a program called Challenge Day. Challenge Day is an organization that goes into schools to speak against hate, promote diversity, and to show kids that it's okay to be themselves. For the episode I watched, they filmed at Putnam City West High School, in Oklahoma City.

Here's the show if you want to watch it:

http://www.mtv.com/videos/if-you-really-knew-me-ep-104-putnam-city-west-high-school/1645378/playlist.jhtml

Here's info about Challenge Day:

http://www.challengeday.org/index.php


The show was really funny in some ways. It showed the different stereotypes: the jock, the brain, the class clown, the homecoming queen, the loner. These were the same sort of stereotypes that I had in high school, and some of the kids, especially the homecoming queen(every time she spoke, I wanted to roll my eyes and say, "Seriously?"), stayed true to form. Lots of snarky comments were made in my brain.


As the show went on, you got to learn about what those kids were *really* going through. The class clown's(Malcolm) story really struck me. He was always really funny, making jokes, etc. What you didn't know is that he doesn't know where is mother is, and his grandmother, who he was really close to, died suddenly. After I heard his story, I totally lost it.


The end of the program showed the kids trying to apply what they learned, and it was kind of cheesy.

I think the Challenge Day is a great idea, in theory. Kids these days are total jerks, and alot of them could do well to know what it's life to be in another person's shoes. They spend most of their time pretending to be something that they're not, and by the time they get to be adults, they don't really know themselves. In that respect, the organization can work.

The problem is what happens after the day is over. They do offer a "Next Step" workshop, but not all the kids involved get to go to this. It's just like church camp: You go, have an amazing time, find God and what not, have the "mountaintop experience", and then what? The kids that don't get to go to the workshop; what happens to them?

I really wish they had a program like this when I was in school. I did go to a large high school, so I wonder how effective it would have been. I just wish that I had an opportunity to really get to know alot of people, and have them get to know the real me.

So, in an effort to be more honest, here are three "If you really knew me" things:



If you really knew me:

* You would know that I am probably the most judgemental person ever, when it comes to looks, but I do it to not have to talk about my own body esteem issues.

* For a long time, I hated all African-American men.

* As much as I dislike Oprah, I'm really bummed that I'm not famous enough to go on her show, and it's ending soon.

What about you? What three things could you share. If we *really* knew you?

Distracted

I'm really bad about keeping up this blog. I would like to get to a point where I write something every day, but I get distracted really easily. So much so, I think that I have ADD. So, in lieu of trying to write about one particular thing, I'm just gonna talk about what's been on my mind lately:


1. I'm in Tulsa now. I've been here for nearly a month now; I can hardly believe it. I'm really proud of myself. Moving here is one of the few things that I said that I was gonna do, and actually DID. The job is okay, not my dream job, but it will do. I'm living with a roommate again, but it's more a tenant/landlord sort of thing. So far, it's going well. She keeps to herself, and so do I. We're friendly, but not overly so. After years of living with my best friend, I like this new arrangement. I enrolled in school today, and am working on getting financial aid in order. So far, so good. I'm really grateful to J, Brian and Karen for listening to me while I fought myself, and all of my drama. You three are my saving grace. And big thanks to everyone on facebook and twitter for having my back. I really couldn't have done this without your love and support. Someone had asked me if I'm happier here. I wouldn't say happier, but I'm more at peace here. I don't know how my friendship with Tia will survive, but since I now have only *my* problems to worry about, the peace that has come over me is amazing. It is lonely sometimes, but that's to be expected. I'm just glad that I'm here.


2. Now that I'm in Tulsa, I want to find a boyfriend. I got my courage up, and asked a guy in my class out. It didn't go well, but at least I tried. I would like to say that I'm a complete romantic, but my cynicism gets the better of me. I want to have someone like me for me, and all that jazz, but it's more than that. I can't explain it. I express myself better through music, so here's a song that describes how I feel about love these days. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=096aXAytYZY

3. I am thrilled that Prop 8 has been ruled as unconstitutional. It's a major breakthrough for equality, and I can't wait until all my GLBT brothers and sisters have the same rights that I do(And when that happens, I am available to be a flower girl.). I do worry about the backlash that is sure to come, and to those who are against gay marriage, here's a message for you: God is Love, and in the end, LOVE always wins. (Big ups to Brian in Seattle; I stole that from his facebook page)


4. Whenever I'm feeling down, this song always peps me back up: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BRv9wGf5pk


Here's to posting more often, or getting tested for ADD.

All grown up? Hardly.

Moi at 30.

Looking pretty good, don't you think?

I had planned on writing a huge post about turning 30, and what a big deal that was. As always, I'm the mayor of LazyTown, and I haven't gotten around to it. Turning 30 is a BIG F***ING DEAL(according to Vice President Biden-heh),and I have lots to say about it. There's a pretty huge change going on in my life, and the stress of it is making me F R E A K O U T.

I will say this: I never really thought that I'd make it to 30, and the fact that I've made it this far just proves that God must have something planned for me, right?

I hope so.

Also? I wouldn't have made it to 30 without the following people: M, Brian , J, Karen, Tia(i know, right), my therapist, Dave, Stacey(who I want to be when I'm grown up), Tony,Dena, and all of my Facebook and GCN peeps who show me so much love. You know who you are, and you rock.

I'm not perfect, but I am way better than I was five years ago. I have alot to learn, but I'm ready for it.

*crosses fingers*

Vacation

I haven't really been on vacation before. I've been to several GCN conferences, but I've never been anywhere for the sake of just going. Since I'm turning 30 soon, I decided that I should go somewhere on my own. I have a really good friend J, who lives in the Maryland/D.C. area, and I hadn't seen him in awhile.

It was an amazing time. I could spend lots of space going over all that happened, but I prefer to keep some of it to myself. Maryland is beautiful, and seeing the Lincoln Memorial was one of the major highlights of my life. If you ever get a chance, see it at night. It's worth it.

I actually did some cooking, which I never do. I don't really get a chance to cook at home, but it was really fun to let loose and let my domestic side come out. According to J, it was pretty good.

We spent alot of time talking, and it was so good to talk to someone who doesn't judge you for things you say, no matter how stupid they sound. And believe me, I said ALOT of stupid things. Thankfully, J is a stand up guy, and he took what I said in stride.

J has a beautiful home, with lots of windows. He has a huge chair near a corner window, and he lives in a busy area, so there's lots of people watching to do. I spent hours doing it, and I haven't been so relaxed in years.

I think the biggest thing that happened this trip is that I got to be me. The real me. I also got to see life beyond anything that I know in Oklahoma. And that life is amazing. There is so much more to me, and to this life that I'm living. I just have to reach out and get it.

And I'm going to. I'm moving to Tulsa. For those of you who know me, know that I love Tulsa, and have been talking about doing it for years. And now, I'm going to. I'm looking for a job, and once I find one, I'm gone. It's not going to be easy, but it needs to be done. I don't want to take a long time to do it, because that gives me time to procrastinate, which is never good.

I haven't told Tia, but I'm going to soon. It's going to be difficult, because she's not completely stable in her life, and I feel guilty. I know that I shouldn't, but I do. I have to fight past that guilt and do it anyway. I think that we have a co-dependent relationship, and for my sanity, I have to make this break. I think we'll be better friends for it.

It's time to stand on my own, and prove my critics wrong.

Hanging on

I feel that I’m back at square one. That one little phrase has so much power behind it; I don’t need to say anything else. I know that I have it so much better than a lot of people, but I’m throwing all of it away with both hands. I’m passing in school, but barely. I’m still working, but it takes an effort to go work. I contemplate ways to get into an accident. Not enough to kill myself, but enough to where I can escape life for awhile. I started seeing a therapist again, and I feel better immediately after, then I get home and I feel the same old stress again.

Normally I would say that its blood sugar talking, and maybe it is. I joined Weight Watchers, and have made an effort to eat better, but I still feel that my brain is spinning out of control, and I just want to yell “STOP!” and run away screaming. If there was anyway to have a nervous breakdown, I so would.

I feel like an idiot for feeling this way. Everyone is like, “You have so much potential, and you can do awesome things.” And sometimes, I believe them. Other times, I feel like I’m stuck in a hole that I can’t get out of.

My biggest problem? Tia. It’s been nearly a year, and things still aren’t great for her. She’s working, but on a part time basis. She’s still dealing with her legal problems, and money is still an issue. I’ve wanted to move to Tulsa, and I want to do it this summer, but I don’t see how I can. I know the things that I need to do to make this happen, but it is so overwhelming that I can’t put it in motion. I also feel guilty about leaving. I haven’t told her about it. When I wasn’t working a few years ago, she did so much for me, and she was happy to do it. I do things for her, but I don’t feel happy to do it. And that makes me feel like I’m not being a good friend to her. Part of me doesn’t care, but I know that when I do tell her, it’s going to be a confrontation, and I don’t want to deal with it. She reminds me so much of my mother that it’s scary.

Don’t get me wrong, Tia is not a completely bad person. She’s got a lot of good qualities. I think the stress of all that’s gone on with her has made me not like her a whole lot, and our friendship is strained.

Other issues: School and Work. I know that I have the capability to handle going to school and work. I know it. But for some reason, I don’t feel that I deserve to make it. I don’t feel confident enough to do it.

Like I said, I’m seeing a therapist again. It’s been two sessions, and while I feel calmer immediately after, I fall back on my same anxieties. I really thought that I had a handle on this, but I’m not so sure now.

I’ve tried really hard to keep it to myself. I really have. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that everyone has to listen to my crap on twitter and facebook. I have friends that I vent to, but I don’t want to feel like I’m dumping on them all the time.

As much as I want to just throw up my hands and quit everything, I know that I can’t. I’ve come too far to give up now. But I want to. Badly.

In Remberance

Today marks the 15th anniversary of the bombing in Oklahoma City. Until September 11th, it was the worst attack on U.S. soil.

I was 14, and in 9th grade at Longfellow Junior High in Enid, Oklahoma. I was late for english class, because I was busy talking to a guy that I had a crush on at the time. My teacher was giving me crap about being late when one of the assistant principals came in and told us the news. I remember being in shock, and wondering how something like this could happen here, in Oklahoma, where it seemed like the only thing that happened were tornadoes.

I went home and sat with my mom and little brother watching the news, and saw the damage, and I was scared. I think it was the first time that I remember being truly aware of death. It scared me .

Today MSNBC is airing The McVeigh Tapes, a series of tapes recorded by Timothy McVeigh before his execution. In it, he talks about the bombing, and his feelings behind what happened. I'll probably watch it, because I've always had a strange curiosity about him. I just can't understand how one person filled with hate can cause so much damage. What happened to him in his life that caused him to do such a thing?

Some of the victims have expressed concerns about the show, saying that it's not going to solve anything. I worry that the state of craziness going on in the country(ie Teabaggers, that woman who was a Vice President nominee), listening to the hate that McVeigh had is going to further incite the stupidity that is going on. I hope it won't, and will show people what hate can do.

In the meantime, I'm going to pray for all the survivors, the ones who died, and everyone who has had their life affected by this tragedy. If you're reading this, tell the people you love how you feel about them today. Life is short. If you're reading this, then you mean something to me, and I love you.

The joy of childhood

Despite all the crap that happened, I had a really good childhood. I grew up in California, in a town called San Bernardino. My mom and I lived in an apartment complex across the street from my elementary school. My grandma lived a few miles away, and I spent the weekends there when my mom had to work. My two best friends were Josie and Cynthia. We did everything together. There was a huge grassy area in the middle of the complex, and that was our playground. We played lots of pretend games, ran around like crazy, and played more Barbie’s than any girl should be allowed to play.

Summertime was the best time. I would wake up early (that doesn’t happen now!), eat a bowl of cereal, and run outside to play. I’d spend all day outside, only going inside to eat, if my mom could get me to come inside. We rode bikes, roller-skated, and played on the slip and slide until we were wrinkled. The best time of day was at sunset, when the adults would venture out, and somebody would turn on a radio. We’d all be dancing and singing as the sun went down. Or someone would grill out, and we all stuffed ourselves full of hamburgers and hotdogs. We’d stay out sometimes until nearly midnight; us kids playing freeze tag and hide and seek, and the adults laughing and talking about grownup things. During the summer, someone would spend the night at my house, or I’d be at someone else’s. We’d play games and talk until a parent told us to go to bed, and then we’d wake up and do it all over again.

It was some of the best times of my life. You’ll be hearing more about my childhood. There were some crazy times, and I want to get back to the joy that I had then.