All of me

I was talking to a friend the other day, and he complimented me on how real I am. I asked him why he thought that, and he said that I was really honest about myself, and I said what I thought about everything. I found it really funny at time, because I don’t think I’m completely real all the time. I don’t lie of course (I am a horrible liar), but I don’t present the complete picture of who I am to everyone. I call it self-editing.

I don’t think that I do it on purpose. If you didn’t know, I am very concerned in how I appear to people. Even though I say that I don’t, I really care what people think about me. I’ve been a people-pleaser from way back. Having a demanding, crazy, drama queen for mother sort of makes you that way. I want people to think that I’m this hard-ass; don’t give a fuck, smart aleck chick who is awesome 100% of the time. I want to be able to say what I want, and not care what people think about me. I also want to be seen as this really nice person who cares about everyone. Then there’s the insecure part of me who is scared, angry, and depressed (if you’re on facebook, you see this a lot).

If you’ve known me for any length of time, you’ve seen various parts of my personality. There are very few people who have seen it all, and miraclously they’re still my friends.

To be honest, it’s really more about trusting people. I’m so afraid that people are going to think badly of me, that I don’t say what I want to say all the time. I don’t trust people enough to let them decide for themselves. It’s something that I’m committed to changing. You don’t get very far in life by not trusting people, and there are so many awesome people in my life that I want to know all of me, the real me.

So expect a more complete Nikki. A Nikki that is all of those crazy and fantastic parts wrapped up into someone that is honest, decent, confident, and funny.

Like everything else, it’s a work in progress.

PS-In my new quest to be more honest, here’s something that I’ve really wanted to say for the last few days, but have been too worried about the consequences, and what people might think:

Hey Cleve North! I don't agree with your opinion on health care, but it doesn’t make me stupid. I just don’t agree with you and I have every right to. I think a big part of the Republican Party are a bunch of DAMNED FOOLS. In my opinion, health care is a RIGHT, and I don’t care how it gets paid for, it just needs to get done. The current bill isn’t perfect, but it’s a start in the right direction. If your party had their way, more people would continue to get sick and die because you want to talk shit to death. I did read a good portion of the bill, and I came to my OWN conclusions, not because of what someone in the media said was right.

You sir, are an arrogant jerk, and you can kiss the fattest part of my fantastic bi-racial ASS.