Adventures in Crazy Land: Saturday Edition

I decided today would be a good day to bring back Starbucks Saturdays! at work, and my awesome boss made a coffee run for the team. I had a delicious mocha frappachino. Being diabetic, caffeine and sugar are generally not good ideas for me, but I felt that I deserved it. Of course, madness followed soon after consumption:

Thoughts during caffeine-fueled high:


I feel pretty, oh so pretty..


C. is soooo cute.I’m gonna be extra funny and he will notice me!, and will ask me out!


Oooh! I’m soooo hyper! Let’s dance around in my chair and sing Lady Gaga!


He’s noticing me! I’m being so funny! So witty! So confident!


I am awesome!




Thoughts after the caffeine crash:


Okay, so I’m not sure if I went too far with the flirting. This is work you know.


Giving cute guys gifts makes you look like a 16 year old.


Gah! Stupid Stupid Stupid!


Other potential dating prospect is all “Less pressure please”, after I casually asked him to hang out. WTF!!!!


I am FURIOUS!


Boys are stupid. Dating is stupid.


I am stupid.


Is this day gonna be over yet?


Ugh. I hate life/people/universe/everything!




Lessons Learned:


If I would get more sleep, then I would not feel the need to have caffeine to keep me away.


A guy being nice to you doesn't mean that he *likes* you *that* way.


Over-thinking is bad.


Furious is my new favorite word.


Bi-polar much?


I should channel my energy to focusing on school, than being furious(see!?) over things that I cannot control.


That’s the show for tonight. Tune in next time!

A little ditty on Dating. Or: Reason number 612 why I'm still Single.

Now that I'm in Tulsa and a bit settled, I think it's time to start meeting people. And by people I mean guys. Normally when I'm bored and want to meet someone, I head on over to Craiglist. And we all know what happens when you meet someone there.

Ahem.

If I really need to explain it to you, then maybe we should be having a different discussion.

To make it short, Craiglist=S E X.



There. Happy? My family and conservative friends who read this now know that I'm not a virgin. Super. Moving on...


Since I'm trying to make a new start, I've decided that CL isn't the way to go. While hookups are fun in their own way, I'm frankly too old for that shit.

So, I'm trying some other dating sites, ones that actually require money to really talk to anyone. I'm not happy about this, because I don't feel that you should have to pay to find love. I just can't justify paying 49.95 for some computer algorithm to tell me who I should be interested in based on some idiotic questions that I answered(I'm looking at YOU, Eharmony). And probably lied about, because honestly?, why on earth would I let someone know right off the bat that my mind is a little off? You can't bring out the crazy immediately. If I did, I'd never get a date.

Something does have to be said for these sites, because I've known several people who have actually been lucky enough to find someone on them. Why not me?

I've been doing a little research, but I haven't ponied up the money yet. One, because I'm cheap. Two, I want to make sure that the site that I pick is going to yield some decent results. If I read one more ad that says, "No offense, but I don't like overweight girls", I'm really going to hurt someone.

Guys, here's a little tip: Saying no offense doesn't soften the blow. At All. We get that you've got a type of girl that you want to meet. That's great. We also don't mind that you express what you're looking for in your ad. But don't say no offense. Saying that just means that you want to make yourself feel better for the offense you're about to say. It may be rude, or hurt someones feelings, but if you feel you must, get it out there. Honesty is always the best policy. Love, the fat and ugly girls.

*The above diatribe was not meant to be bitter, so don't take it as such.*


That's where I am for the moment. I have updated my okcupid page, which is free, and I'm starting to send messages to some guys in this area, so we'll see. The jury is still out on paying money to find a date. So far, cheap me is winning the battle on that one.


PS-I totally could have gone off on another tangent about how guys out there can't seem to like the big girls, and how it pisses me off, but I chose not to. It is what it is. There's a great guy out there for me, and he's gonna like how I am now, and who I'm going to be in the future. I deserve it. That's PROGRESS, you guys.

If You Really Knew Me..

My friend Karen told me about this show on MTV called "If You Really Knew Me". It's a show that films a group of students that are involved with a program called Challenge Day. Challenge Day is an organization that goes into schools to speak against hate, promote diversity, and to show kids that it's okay to be themselves. For the episode I watched, they filmed at Putnam City West High School, in Oklahoma City.

Here's the show if you want to watch it:

http://www.mtv.com/videos/if-you-really-knew-me-ep-104-putnam-city-west-high-school/1645378/playlist.jhtml

Here's info about Challenge Day:

http://www.challengeday.org/index.php


The show was really funny in some ways. It showed the different stereotypes: the jock, the brain, the class clown, the homecoming queen, the loner. These were the same sort of stereotypes that I had in high school, and some of the kids, especially the homecoming queen(every time she spoke, I wanted to roll my eyes and say, "Seriously?"), stayed true to form. Lots of snarky comments were made in my brain.


As the show went on, you got to learn about what those kids were *really* going through. The class clown's(Malcolm) story really struck me. He was always really funny, making jokes, etc. What you didn't know is that he doesn't know where is mother is, and his grandmother, who he was really close to, died suddenly. After I heard his story, I totally lost it.


The end of the program showed the kids trying to apply what they learned, and it was kind of cheesy.

I think the Challenge Day is a great idea, in theory. Kids these days are total jerks, and alot of them could do well to know what it's life to be in another person's shoes. They spend most of their time pretending to be something that they're not, and by the time they get to be adults, they don't really know themselves. In that respect, the organization can work.

The problem is what happens after the day is over. They do offer a "Next Step" workshop, but not all the kids involved get to go to this. It's just like church camp: You go, have an amazing time, find God and what not, have the "mountaintop experience", and then what? The kids that don't get to go to the workshop; what happens to them?

I really wish they had a program like this when I was in school. I did go to a large high school, so I wonder how effective it would have been. I just wish that I had an opportunity to really get to know alot of people, and have them get to know the real me.

So, in an effort to be more honest, here are three "If you really knew me" things:



If you really knew me:

* You would know that I am probably the most judgemental person ever, when it comes to looks, but I do it to not have to talk about my own body esteem issues.

* For a long time, I hated all African-American men.

* As much as I dislike Oprah, I'm really bummed that I'm not famous enough to go on her show, and it's ending soon.

What about you? What three things could you share. If we *really* knew you?

Distracted

I'm really bad about keeping up this blog. I would like to get to a point where I write something every day, but I get distracted really easily. So much so, I think that I have ADD. So, in lieu of trying to write about one particular thing, I'm just gonna talk about what's been on my mind lately:


1. I'm in Tulsa now. I've been here for nearly a month now; I can hardly believe it. I'm really proud of myself. Moving here is one of the few things that I said that I was gonna do, and actually DID. The job is okay, not my dream job, but it will do. I'm living with a roommate again, but it's more a tenant/landlord sort of thing. So far, it's going well. She keeps to herself, and so do I. We're friendly, but not overly so. After years of living with my best friend, I like this new arrangement. I enrolled in school today, and am working on getting financial aid in order. So far, so good. I'm really grateful to J, Brian and Karen for listening to me while I fought myself, and all of my drama. You three are my saving grace. And big thanks to everyone on facebook and twitter for having my back. I really couldn't have done this without your love and support. Someone had asked me if I'm happier here. I wouldn't say happier, but I'm more at peace here. I don't know how my friendship with Tia will survive, but since I now have only *my* problems to worry about, the peace that has come over me is amazing. It is lonely sometimes, but that's to be expected. I'm just glad that I'm here.


2. Now that I'm in Tulsa, I want to find a boyfriend. I got my courage up, and asked a guy in my class out. It didn't go well, but at least I tried. I would like to say that I'm a complete romantic, but my cynicism gets the better of me. I want to have someone like me for me, and all that jazz, but it's more than that. I can't explain it. I express myself better through music, so here's a song that describes how I feel about love these days. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=096aXAytYZY

3. I am thrilled that Prop 8 has been ruled as unconstitutional. It's a major breakthrough for equality, and I can't wait until all my GLBT brothers and sisters have the same rights that I do(And when that happens, I am available to be a flower girl.). I do worry about the backlash that is sure to come, and to those who are against gay marriage, here's a message for you: God is Love, and in the end, LOVE always wins. (Big ups to Brian in Seattle; I stole that from his facebook page)


4. Whenever I'm feeling down, this song always peps me back up: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BRv9wGf5pk


Here's to posting more often, or getting tested for ADD.

All grown up? Hardly.

Moi at 30.

Looking pretty good, don't you think?

I had planned on writing a huge post about turning 30, and what a big deal that was. As always, I'm the mayor of LazyTown, and I haven't gotten around to it. Turning 30 is a BIG F***ING DEAL(according to Vice President Biden-heh),and I have lots to say about it. There's a pretty huge change going on in my life, and the stress of it is making me F R E A K O U T.

I will say this: I never really thought that I'd make it to 30, and the fact that I've made it this far just proves that God must have something planned for me, right?

I hope so.

Also? I wouldn't have made it to 30 without the following people: M, Brian , J, Karen, Tia(i know, right), my therapist, Dave, Stacey(who I want to be when I'm grown up), Tony,Dena, and all of my Facebook and GCN peeps who show me so much love. You know who you are, and you rock.

I'm not perfect, but I am way better than I was five years ago. I have alot to learn, but I'm ready for it.

*crosses fingers*

Vacation

I haven't really been on vacation before. I've been to several GCN conferences, but I've never been anywhere for the sake of just going. Since I'm turning 30 soon, I decided that I should go somewhere on my own. I have a really good friend J, who lives in the Maryland/D.C. area, and I hadn't seen him in awhile.

It was an amazing time. I could spend lots of space going over all that happened, but I prefer to keep some of it to myself. Maryland is beautiful, and seeing the Lincoln Memorial was one of the major highlights of my life. If you ever get a chance, see it at night. It's worth it.

I actually did some cooking, which I never do. I don't really get a chance to cook at home, but it was really fun to let loose and let my domestic side come out. According to J, it was pretty good.

We spent alot of time talking, and it was so good to talk to someone who doesn't judge you for things you say, no matter how stupid they sound. And believe me, I said ALOT of stupid things. Thankfully, J is a stand up guy, and he took what I said in stride.

J has a beautiful home, with lots of windows. He has a huge chair near a corner window, and he lives in a busy area, so there's lots of people watching to do. I spent hours doing it, and I haven't been so relaxed in years.

I think the biggest thing that happened this trip is that I got to be me. The real me. I also got to see life beyond anything that I know in Oklahoma. And that life is amazing. There is so much more to me, and to this life that I'm living. I just have to reach out and get it.

And I'm going to. I'm moving to Tulsa. For those of you who know me, know that I love Tulsa, and have been talking about doing it for years. And now, I'm going to. I'm looking for a job, and once I find one, I'm gone. It's not going to be easy, but it needs to be done. I don't want to take a long time to do it, because that gives me time to procrastinate, which is never good.

I haven't told Tia, but I'm going to soon. It's going to be difficult, because she's not completely stable in her life, and I feel guilty. I know that I shouldn't, but I do. I have to fight past that guilt and do it anyway. I think that we have a co-dependent relationship, and for my sanity, I have to make this break. I think we'll be better friends for it.

It's time to stand on my own, and prove my critics wrong.

Hanging on

I feel that I’m back at square one. That one little phrase has so much power behind it; I don’t need to say anything else. I know that I have it so much better than a lot of people, but I’m throwing all of it away with both hands. I’m passing in school, but barely. I’m still working, but it takes an effort to go work. I contemplate ways to get into an accident. Not enough to kill myself, but enough to where I can escape life for awhile. I started seeing a therapist again, and I feel better immediately after, then I get home and I feel the same old stress again.

Normally I would say that its blood sugar talking, and maybe it is. I joined Weight Watchers, and have made an effort to eat better, but I still feel that my brain is spinning out of control, and I just want to yell “STOP!” and run away screaming. If there was anyway to have a nervous breakdown, I so would.

I feel like an idiot for feeling this way. Everyone is like, “You have so much potential, and you can do awesome things.” And sometimes, I believe them. Other times, I feel like I’m stuck in a hole that I can’t get out of.

My biggest problem? Tia. It’s been nearly a year, and things still aren’t great for her. She’s working, but on a part time basis. She’s still dealing with her legal problems, and money is still an issue. I’ve wanted to move to Tulsa, and I want to do it this summer, but I don’t see how I can. I know the things that I need to do to make this happen, but it is so overwhelming that I can’t put it in motion. I also feel guilty about leaving. I haven’t told her about it. When I wasn’t working a few years ago, she did so much for me, and she was happy to do it. I do things for her, but I don’t feel happy to do it. And that makes me feel like I’m not being a good friend to her. Part of me doesn’t care, but I know that when I do tell her, it’s going to be a confrontation, and I don’t want to deal with it. She reminds me so much of my mother that it’s scary.

Don’t get me wrong, Tia is not a completely bad person. She’s got a lot of good qualities. I think the stress of all that’s gone on with her has made me not like her a whole lot, and our friendship is strained.

Other issues: School and Work. I know that I have the capability to handle going to school and work. I know it. But for some reason, I don’t feel that I deserve to make it. I don’t feel confident enough to do it.

Like I said, I’m seeing a therapist again. It’s been two sessions, and while I feel calmer immediately after, I fall back on my same anxieties. I really thought that I had a handle on this, but I’m not so sure now.

I’ve tried really hard to keep it to myself. I really have. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that everyone has to listen to my crap on twitter and facebook. I have friends that I vent to, but I don’t want to feel like I’m dumping on them all the time.

As much as I want to just throw up my hands and quit everything, I know that I can’t. I’ve come too far to give up now. But I want to. Badly.

In Remberance

Today marks the 15th anniversary of the bombing in Oklahoma City. Until September 11th, it was the worst attack on U.S. soil.

I was 14, and in 9th grade at Longfellow Junior High in Enid, Oklahoma. I was late for english class, because I was busy talking to a guy that I had a crush on at the time. My teacher was giving me crap about being late when one of the assistant principals came in and told us the news. I remember being in shock, and wondering how something like this could happen here, in Oklahoma, where it seemed like the only thing that happened were tornadoes.

I went home and sat with my mom and little brother watching the news, and saw the damage, and I was scared. I think it was the first time that I remember being truly aware of death. It scared me .

Today MSNBC is airing The McVeigh Tapes, a series of tapes recorded by Timothy McVeigh before his execution. In it, he talks about the bombing, and his feelings behind what happened. I'll probably watch it, because I've always had a strange curiosity about him. I just can't understand how one person filled with hate can cause so much damage. What happened to him in his life that caused him to do such a thing?

Some of the victims have expressed concerns about the show, saying that it's not going to solve anything. I worry that the state of craziness going on in the country(ie Teabaggers, that woman who was a Vice President nominee), listening to the hate that McVeigh had is going to further incite the stupidity that is going on. I hope it won't, and will show people what hate can do.

In the meantime, I'm going to pray for all the survivors, the ones who died, and everyone who has had their life affected by this tragedy. If you're reading this, tell the people you love how you feel about them today. Life is short. If you're reading this, then you mean something to me, and I love you.

The joy of childhood

Despite all the crap that happened, I had a really good childhood. I grew up in California, in a town called San Bernardino. My mom and I lived in an apartment complex across the street from my elementary school. My grandma lived a few miles away, and I spent the weekends there when my mom had to work. My two best friends were Josie and Cynthia. We did everything together. There was a huge grassy area in the middle of the complex, and that was our playground. We played lots of pretend games, ran around like crazy, and played more Barbie’s than any girl should be allowed to play.

Summertime was the best time. I would wake up early (that doesn’t happen now!), eat a bowl of cereal, and run outside to play. I’d spend all day outside, only going inside to eat, if my mom could get me to come inside. We rode bikes, roller-skated, and played on the slip and slide until we were wrinkled. The best time of day was at sunset, when the adults would venture out, and somebody would turn on a radio. We’d all be dancing and singing as the sun went down. Or someone would grill out, and we all stuffed ourselves full of hamburgers and hotdogs. We’d stay out sometimes until nearly midnight; us kids playing freeze tag and hide and seek, and the adults laughing and talking about grownup things. During the summer, someone would spend the night at my house, or I’d be at someone else’s. We’d play games and talk until a parent told us to go to bed, and then we’d wake up and do it all over again.

It was some of the best times of my life. You’ll be hearing more about my childhood. There were some crazy times, and I want to get back to the joy that I had then.

All of me

I was talking to a friend the other day, and he complimented me on how real I am. I asked him why he thought that, and he said that I was really honest about myself, and I said what I thought about everything. I found it really funny at time, because I don’t think I’m completely real all the time. I don’t lie of course (I am a horrible liar), but I don’t present the complete picture of who I am to everyone. I call it self-editing.

I don’t think that I do it on purpose. If you didn’t know, I am very concerned in how I appear to people. Even though I say that I don’t, I really care what people think about me. I’ve been a people-pleaser from way back. Having a demanding, crazy, drama queen for mother sort of makes you that way. I want people to think that I’m this hard-ass; don’t give a fuck, smart aleck chick who is awesome 100% of the time. I want to be able to say what I want, and not care what people think about me. I also want to be seen as this really nice person who cares about everyone. Then there’s the insecure part of me who is scared, angry, and depressed (if you’re on facebook, you see this a lot).

If you’ve known me for any length of time, you’ve seen various parts of my personality. There are very few people who have seen it all, and miraclously they’re still my friends.

To be honest, it’s really more about trusting people. I’m so afraid that people are going to think badly of me, that I don’t say what I want to say all the time. I don’t trust people enough to let them decide for themselves. It’s something that I’m committed to changing. You don’t get very far in life by not trusting people, and there are so many awesome people in my life that I want to know all of me, the real me.

So expect a more complete Nikki. A Nikki that is all of those crazy and fantastic parts wrapped up into someone that is honest, decent, confident, and funny.

Like everything else, it’s a work in progress.

PS-In my new quest to be more honest, here’s something that I’ve really wanted to say for the last few days, but have been too worried about the consequences, and what people might think:

Hey Cleve North! I don't agree with your opinion on health care, but it doesn’t make me stupid. I just don’t agree with you and I have every right to. I think a big part of the Republican Party are a bunch of DAMNED FOOLS. In my opinion, health care is a RIGHT, and I don’t care how it gets paid for, it just needs to get done. The current bill isn’t perfect, but it’s a start in the right direction. If your party had their way, more people would continue to get sick and die because you want to talk shit to death. I did read a good portion of the bill, and I came to my OWN conclusions, not because of what someone in the media said was right.

You sir, are an arrogant jerk, and you can kiss the fattest part of my fantastic bi-racial ASS.

Dedicated to the haters

So, I promised you a post about my faith. And I'm gonna do one, but I'm not feeling insipired about faith at the moment. So, here's one of my favorite songs. I'd like to dedicate it to all of my haters. If you've got people who are hating on what you're trying to do, keep doing what you're doing, and...brush your shoulders off.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oz_-VaTHpc8

Thoughts from a fatty

This is a difficult blog for me to write, but it needs to be addressed. It’s a subject that I’ve not really addressed, and I don’t like talking about it, but it’s time.

My weight.


In case you haven’t noticed, I’m fat. Or full figured, chunky, extra curvy, or whatever politically correct term people are using these days. In clinical (and more uncomfortable) terms, morbidly obese.


I could spend a whole blog post documenting the reasons why I’m so heavy, but what’s the point really? It’s really not that complicated. I love food, exercise sucks. There are some underlying things about how being fat keeps me safe, and the whole sexual abuse, hiding myself from men thing, but I’m dealing with those. To be honest, those things aren’t as big of an issue anymore.


Oh, and being diagnosed with diabetes, which could possibly KILL ME is a pretty big deal too. Since I have fear of death and all.


More simply though, I’m tired of being fat. Yes, I’ve said that before, but it’s become clearer now.

I’m sick of having to go to specialty stores to buy clothes, clothes I don’t even really like. I’m sick of not being able to walk more than a mile without wanting to pass out and/or punch someone. I want to have energy to move around, to dance (I really love dancing), even to RUN.


I want to be pretty. I know that people have told me that I’m pretty now, and while I’m grateful for the compliments, I don’t really believe it. I have a pretty face, and of course my hair is FANTASTIC. The rest of my body leaves something to be desired. I want to date guys that can see the real me, and not reject me immediately because of how I look. I am smart, funny, and I mostly have my life together. But guys can’t see that, because I don’t have confidence in how I look. Yes, there are guys that are into heavier women, and I’m down with the whole fat acceptance thing. But if I don’t like how I look, then I will always be suspicious of why those guys really like me. I’m tired of being the desperate fat chick that guys will only just sleep with. I’m tired of sleeping with guys like that because I need some kind of attention. I’m better than that.


So, what am I doing about it? Not a lot really. When I was diagnosed with diabetes last April, I went all out, started walking a lot, and seeing a nutritionist. While I’m still walking, I’m not really controlling my eating as much as I should. I love food. I LOOOOVE carbs and I’m especially obsessed with chicken nuggets and ramen noodles. I am not eating late at night, and I rarely eat sweets at all. I’ve lost thirty pounds so far, and it’s kind of just stayed there.


An option that has been on the table for a long time is weight loss surgery. It’s not really something that I’ve seriously considered, because of the health risks (death!), and people can see it as an easy way out, a cure. I know that it’s not, and it can’t be seen that way. But let’s face it, I need help. I’m more than 200 pounds over my suggested weight, and while I don’t want to get down to that weight,
I really think that losing 100 pounds or more would help me.


So, I’ve been thinking about having the Lap Band procedure done. It’s less evasive than a typical gastric bypass, and it allows for a gradual weight loss. It is expensive, and my insurance will cover ninety percent of it after I have documented at least six months of serious weight loss under a doctor’s care. I’m planning on joining a gym (no, seriously), so that I can take a water aerobics class. Water aerobics is a great way for people of my size to start exercising, because it’s not as excruciating on our bodies. At some point, I’d like to get a trainer. I need to cut drastically the amount of carbs from my life, which is a daunting task. I’m not sure how I can live in a world where chicken nuggets(damn you Wendy’s!) are not a part of it, but it can be done. And it has to be done, on a budget, because I’m not rich.


So, that’s where I am. I’ve done a lot of thinking about it, and it’s not something that’s going to happen overnight. And I’m not really asking for your support/help, but if you want to help keep me motivated, I’d be grateful. At the end of the day, the only one who can motivate me is me. I’m one of the laziest people EVER, but I know when enough is enough.
Diabetes runs in my family, and I’m scared. My grandmother died from it, my uncle died from it, my mother WILL die from it, and I don’t want to die from it (I actually don’t want to die at all really, but that’s another subject for another day). I have sleep apnea, and sleeping with a C-Pap machine is uncomfortable as hell.



To be honest, it’s just TIME. I know that I joke a lot about my weight, but it’s no joke. I look at myself in the mirror, and I see just a blob of fat and stretch marks, and, to use a cliché, I see a smaller girl in there, waiting to get out.
It’s time to let her out.

Snow Day Video Extravaganza!

So, it's snowing in Oklahoma, and it's REALLY BIG DEAL. I swear, I think the meteorologists are downright giddy about it. Surprisingly, my job closed today(!!!), so I'm at home. I'm not gonna lie, I feel like a kid, because it's rare to get a day off of work due the weather. I don't have anything profound to write about, so we're gonna play around with this Blogger technology, and post some of my favorite songs. This is not a complete list, because I LOVE music, and it would take a really long time to name them all.

Here we go:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrO4YZeyl0I

I'll be honest, I didn't like Lady Gaga at first. I liked some of her songs, but her fashion had me confused. It wasn't until I saw this video that I really just *got* her. It's one of the most visually stunning videos that I've seen in a long time, and I can totally relate to the lyrics. You could write a book around that song.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YFBYtGi4xo

I LOVE Prince. This song would be perfect for ...well, a stripper routine. Not that I know anything about that sort of thing. AHEM.






http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UFIYGkROII


This song has no real meaning, it's just catchy as hell. I know a part of the dance, and it's my mission in life to learn the whole thing.




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FY2WxSNuU_8

Finally, one of my favorite love songs. It makes me think of M, but not in a bad way. Someday I'm gonna write a post about my obsession with Love Songs.

These are just a few of my favorites. Enjoy!

Now I'm off to study....no seriously.

Confronting the monster

The spring semester of my first year back in college is upon me, and , I’m F R E A K I N G O U T. While I did get pretty decent grades last semester, my cumulative g.p.a is still a low 1.8, because my grades from 10 years ago still count. 1.8 is not good enough for the admissions gods, so I’m on Academic Probation. Fun times. That means that I’m going to have to get pretty much all A’s in order to bump it up to get off of probation. In addition to my journalism classes*, I’m taking math and science, and the syllabus for those two classes are INTENSE. I’m gonna have to put in some W O R K, and I’m not gonna lie, I’m lazy. I got good grades last semester, but I got really lucky, because I procrastinated a lot .

A few things will help me make it through this semester:

1. I’m competitive: In one of my journalism classes, there is a girl who I’m not too fond of. We’ll call her….Linda. Linda is a pretty good writer, but has this, “I’m SO awesome, and you’re SO …not attitude” that it makes me roll my eyes. She also made a comment about older students being in community college early on last semester that took all of my home training to not slap her. Am I a hater? Maybe. Having her in my class will make me want to do everything I can to be a better writer.

2. Getting Organized: I have all the tips to getting organized, but implementing them is going to be trouble. Like we all know, I’m lazy. I can think of several things that I could be doing instead of what I’m supposed to be doing. The procrastination monster is one I’m gonna have to confront this year, and believe me, she is a tough cookie. Even as I type this she’s all, “Bring it, bitch! You ain’t ready” (yes, she’s a little ghetto). As you can tell, I’m uber-excited.


All in all, it’s gonna be an adventure, and I do love a good adventure. Last semester was a practice round. There are so many things I want to do in college, and graduating with honors is one of them. It’s time to put up or shut up.

* A bonus! The really yummy guy from my news writing class last semester(we’ll call him NY) is gonna be in one my classes this time around! Score!*

For the Jesus

I’ve been back from the GCN conference for nearly a week now, but I’m just now sitting down to reflect on what happened. I’m pretty private about my faith, so don’t get all freaked out if I talk about God a lot in this post. I’ll be back to the snarkiness you know and love soon.

For everyone who doesn’t know, GCN stands for the Gay Christian Network. It’s an organization that supports Christians that are Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual or Transgendered (GLBT for short). I’ve been involved with them since 2002, and it’s been such a blessing to see so many people grow in the knowledge that God loves them, NO MATTER WHAT. I know lot of people that may not agree with me on that point; that they think Homosexuality is a sin. I’m not going to go into depth here, but I totally disagree with you. We could have a huge biblical discussion about it, but that’s not my bag. I believe with my whole heart that God is totally okay with it, and if Jesus had a problem with it, I’m sure he would have said something about it. As far as my bible knowledge goes, he doesn’t. Some may not agree, and that’s fine. I’m not going to waiver from what I know in my heart.

*A quick tangent. Just in case you were wondering, I’m straight. It’s funny to me how many people think that my involvement with GCN is because I’m a lesbian. I’m not. If you still don’t believe it after the above statement, that’s your problem, not mine.*

I’ve been involved with GCN for a long time, and each year since 2004, they’ve held a conference in a different city. Dallas, Orlando, Seattle, Washington DC, Anaheim, and now Nashville. I’ve been to all of them except Seattle, and that was only because I was mad at everyone and refused to get on a plane that year (I detest flying). The conference is a chance for members, family and friends to get together to fellowship, worship, and attend workshops about various topics about living as a Gay Christian. A lot of the workshops weren’t really for me, but I’ve always gone to see friends that I normally don’t get to see, and just show my support.

Every year before the conference, I get all worked up, and insist that I’m not going. In the past, I had expectations about how I thought my time there should be, and when the experience didn’t live up to my expectations, I would mark off the whole experience as horrible. It didn’t help that I was dealing with anxiety (but didn’t know it yet), and other emotional issues that I hadn’t dealt with. I was determined that this year would be different, but I didn’t know how it would be. The anxiety isn’t so bad anymore (say what you want, but I’m thankful for meds. They’ve saved me), and I’m better at dealing with my freak outs Yet, I still wondered if I needed to be there. I voiced my concerns on Facebook, and a really good friend (Thanks Peggy!), pointed out that maybe that I should go without any expectations, and that maybe my experience would be different. After a little drama with finding somewhere to stay (big love to Terry for taking pity on me), I finally decided to go, carpooling with local GCN’ers Tony and Brenden.

The conference started on a Thursday, but there were some winter weather coming our way, so I thought we could get ahead of it by leaving Wednesday night. All was well at first, and while there was a lot of wind, it didn’t become a problem until we left Little Rock. We figured that we were coming behind some snow and ice, but about an hour outside of Little Rock, traffic on the highway came to a standstill. Completely. We were parked on the highway for nearly an hour, and I was driving, and I got annoyed pretty quickly. After getting started again, we passed about four different accidents involving Semi trucks. Fun times. It normally takes maybe three, or at the most, four hours to get through Arkansas. For us, it took nearly six. I drove through most of it, and it was so S L O W. I thought we were never going to hit Tennessee. About 30 minutes away from the border, I’d had it, and I started cursing under my breath while the boys were sleeping. Finally, we made into Tennessee, and Tony took over (God bless him).

The trip went a little faster, but what was normally a 10 or 12 hour trip turned into sixteen. We finally made it to the hotel, and all my old fears came back. What if everyone was staring at me? That no one would talk to me! That my shoes were ugly! After talking with a few friends (James! Xoxo), I was able to go down and see people.

The rest of conference passed by quickly, but there were a lot of highlights. Hearing well known minister Tony Campolo speak on Friday was a big one. He’s a huge asset to the GLBT community, and while he’s not in support of Gay marriage, it wasn’t a big deal. He’s a huge supporter of rights in the GLBT community, and I think that’s the most important.

Friday lunch was spent hanging with people in my age group (we have a message board, and one of the small groups is for one that were born between 1977 and 1981) at really yummy Italian restaurant. As we were leaving, it had gotten colder and started to snow (again), and I had walked a few blocks uphill before the fat chick in me had enough. Tony and Jeremy were SO kind to walk me back to the restaurant, so that I could call a cab. Yes, I called a cab. An extravagance maybe, but it was worth it. I think it was less than 5 bucks.

Friday dinner was spent with the women of GCN. Women have never been the biggest demographic on GCN, but a lot more women are joining. I think there were about 40 of us, and we met at a restaurant nearby. Being me, I had to make it an adventure. I had seen the restaurant earlier when I was walking to lunch, but that was in the daylight. I thought I was going the way in the dark, but I had walked about 5 blocks before I realized I was lost. A homeless man named Paul helped point me in the right direction. I gave him 50 dollars (yes, I know). After finally showing up, I had a good time talking with Laura, and some of the other girls at my table. I’m horrible with names, so I’m sorry if I didn’t remember everyone who sat at my table. For someone that doesn’t have a lot of women friends, it was good to hang out with so many awesome women.

Saturday came with a testimony by Mary Lou Wallner, a straight woman who lost her Lesbian daughter in 1997 to suicide. After her daughter’s death, Mary Lou came to realize that God was okay with homosexuality. Her testimony was powerful, and I think every parent who has a gay child needs to hear it. Of course, I cried. After a good lunch with some of the GCN moderators, I went to a workshop on relationships. The presenter, Ling, was hilarious(and the best hugger. EVER), and very informative. Seriously. We did this exercise where we had to go palm to palm with someone in the room that we didn’t know, and we each had 30 seconds to control our hand movements, with our eyes closed. A funny exercise, and the woman I did it with (I need to get better at remembering names) and I were giggling hysterically. I did notice that while the other person was in charge, I was passively allowing her to be in charge, but secretly wondering if I could still be in charge too. Control issues? I think yes.

Saturday night was a concert with Derek Webb and Kori Ashton, but I skipped it. Naughty I know, but I did have a good time talking with Brandon, although I’m sure I got on his nerves (love you B! mean it!). After the concert, I had a really good dinner in the bar with a longtime friend Christine, her partner Theresa (who are sooo cute btw), and a friend of theirs,but I can't remember her name. I think it was Kathy. Maybe. Anyway, dinner was yummy and hilarious. After that I had some really good conversations with Jon, and later with Dennis. Both are really good guys, and I’m glad I had a chance to connect with both. Late Saturday night, Brandon had asked me if I wanted to help with Communion the next day. I was a bit nervous (my first response was, I’m not Catholic!), but I agreed.

I’ll be honest; I have no idea what Justin talked about Sunday morning. I was a little (a lot!) sleepy from the late night, and I dozed some. Sorry Justin! After Justin’s time, I was able to participate in giving communion. I’m not the most spiritual person, but I was honored to be able to serve and bond a little with the people that came up.

We left soon after the conference was over, but we did stop to have some BBQ on the way out with some GCN’ers that I had never met. I had a cheeseburger, but the BBQ sauce was not that yummy. I took Tony and me about 13 hours to get home, but we were both exhausted that it seemed like forever.

This conference was the best experience that I’ve had. Nothing profound happened, but this time I was able to put my own selfishness aside (for the most part), and really just listen to people. I always tell people that I don’t go to GCN conferences for “The Jesus”, but God seems to make himself known to me every time. I love how he does that. The worship songs reminded me of how much I miss going to a regular church, but I’m still struggling with how to still have faith in God, when my beliefs aren’t what they were 10 years ago. That’s another blog for another day.

It was amazing to see some many new GCN’ers come to the conference and experience God’s love in a tangible way. I’m humbled and honored that I’m allowed to share that journey with them, and the tons of people that I didn’t get to meet. As always, I stand with you.

Next year, Denver. A totally drivable trip, but this time, I think I’m getting on a plane.

· A few links to check out:

http://gaychristian.net If you wanna know more about this community and what they do. Haters not allowed.

http://www.teach-ministries.org/index.html Mary Lou Wallner’s awesome organization.

Nashville!

I don't have a lot to say, but I thought it was important to blog SOMETHING, since I started this new blog and all. I'm in Nashville, where I'm attending the GCN Conference(http://www.gaychristian.net/conference if you wanna check it out) Going to the conference is a struggle for me, since the crowds screw with my anxiety, and my snarkiness(read: I'm a bitch) is coming out in full force. I'm trying really hard to not have any expectations, and to be kind. So far, it's going okay. I just keep telling myself to be cool. So, we'll see.

PS- It is FREAKING COLD in Nashville. I have got to move to a state or country where winter does not happen in the extreme. Any suggestions?

PPS- There's this really cuuuute waiter that works in the hotel bar. It makes up for a lot.

2010

So, I rang in the new year not depressed, anxious, or sad about anything. I even had money in my pocket. And I wasn't drunk. This is a good way to start things, right?

One can only hope.

Another post about my reflections about the first decade of the 21st century to come soon-ish.

Off to eat some black-eyed peas, for luck. Because to rock this year, I'm going to need all the help I can get.