For the Jesus

I’ve been back from the GCN conference for nearly a week now, but I’m just now sitting down to reflect on what happened. I’m pretty private about my faith, so don’t get all freaked out if I talk about God a lot in this post. I’ll be back to the snarkiness you know and love soon.

For everyone who doesn’t know, GCN stands for the Gay Christian Network. It’s an organization that supports Christians that are Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual or Transgendered (GLBT for short). I’ve been involved with them since 2002, and it’s been such a blessing to see so many people grow in the knowledge that God loves them, NO MATTER WHAT. I know lot of people that may not agree with me on that point; that they think Homosexuality is a sin. I’m not going to go into depth here, but I totally disagree with you. We could have a huge biblical discussion about it, but that’s not my bag. I believe with my whole heart that God is totally okay with it, and if Jesus had a problem with it, I’m sure he would have said something about it. As far as my bible knowledge goes, he doesn’t. Some may not agree, and that’s fine. I’m not going to waiver from what I know in my heart.

*A quick tangent. Just in case you were wondering, I’m straight. It’s funny to me how many people think that my involvement with GCN is because I’m a lesbian. I’m not. If you still don’t believe it after the above statement, that’s your problem, not mine.*

I’ve been involved with GCN for a long time, and each year since 2004, they’ve held a conference in a different city. Dallas, Orlando, Seattle, Washington DC, Anaheim, and now Nashville. I’ve been to all of them except Seattle, and that was only because I was mad at everyone and refused to get on a plane that year (I detest flying). The conference is a chance for members, family and friends to get together to fellowship, worship, and attend workshops about various topics about living as a Gay Christian. A lot of the workshops weren’t really for me, but I’ve always gone to see friends that I normally don’t get to see, and just show my support.

Every year before the conference, I get all worked up, and insist that I’m not going. In the past, I had expectations about how I thought my time there should be, and when the experience didn’t live up to my expectations, I would mark off the whole experience as horrible. It didn’t help that I was dealing with anxiety (but didn’t know it yet), and other emotional issues that I hadn’t dealt with. I was determined that this year would be different, but I didn’t know how it would be. The anxiety isn’t so bad anymore (say what you want, but I’m thankful for meds. They’ve saved me), and I’m better at dealing with my freak outs Yet, I still wondered if I needed to be there. I voiced my concerns on Facebook, and a really good friend (Thanks Peggy!), pointed out that maybe that I should go without any expectations, and that maybe my experience would be different. After a little drama with finding somewhere to stay (big love to Terry for taking pity on me), I finally decided to go, carpooling with local GCN’ers Tony and Brenden.

The conference started on a Thursday, but there were some winter weather coming our way, so I thought we could get ahead of it by leaving Wednesday night. All was well at first, and while there was a lot of wind, it didn’t become a problem until we left Little Rock. We figured that we were coming behind some snow and ice, but about an hour outside of Little Rock, traffic on the highway came to a standstill. Completely. We were parked on the highway for nearly an hour, and I was driving, and I got annoyed pretty quickly. After getting started again, we passed about four different accidents involving Semi trucks. Fun times. It normally takes maybe three, or at the most, four hours to get through Arkansas. For us, it took nearly six. I drove through most of it, and it was so S L O W. I thought we were never going to hit Tennessee. About 30 minutes away from the border, I’d had it, and I started cursing under my breath while the boys were sleeping. Finally, we made into Tennessee, and Tony took over (God bless him).

The trip went a little faster, but what was normally a 10 or 12 hour trip turned into sixteen. We finally made it to the hotel, and all my old fears came back. What if everyone was staring at me? That no one would talk to me! That my shoes were ugly! After talking with a few friends (James! Xoxo), I was able to go down and see people.

The rest of conference passed by quickly, but there were a lot of highlights. Hearing well known minister Tony Campolo speak on Friday was a big one. He’s a huge asset to the GLBT community, and while he’s not in support of Gay marriage, it wasn’t a big deal. He’s a huge supporter of rights in the GLBT community, and I think that’s the most important.

Friday lunch was spent hanging with people in my age group (we have a message board, and one of the small groups is for one that were born between 1977 and 1981) at really yummy Italian restaurant. As we were leaving, it had gotten colder and started to snow (again), and I had walked a few blocks uphill before the fat chick in me had enough. Tony and Jeremy were SO kind to walk me back to the restaurant, so that I could call a cab. Yes, I called a cab. An extravagance maybe, but it was worth it. I think it was less than 5 bucks.

Friday dinner was spent with the women of GCN. Women have never been the biggest demographic on GCN, but a lot more women are joining. I think there were about 40 of us, and we met at a restaurant nearby. Being me, I had to make it an adventure. I had seen the restaurant earlier when I was walking to lunch, but that was in the daylight. I thought I was going the way in the dark, but I had walked about 5 blocks before I realized I was lost. A homeless man named Paul helped point me in the right direction. I gave him 50 dollars (yes, I know). After finally showing up, I had a good time talking with Laura, and some of the other girls at my table. I’m horrible with names, so I’m sorry if I didn’t remember everyone who sat at my table. For someone that doesn’t have a lot of women friends, it was good to hang out with so many awesome women.

Saturday came with a testimony by Mary Lou Wallner, a straight woman who lost her Lesbian daughter in 1997 to suicide. After her daughter’s death, Mary Lou came to realize that God was okay with homosexuality. Her testimony was powerful, and I think every parent who has a gay child needs to hear it. Of course, I cried. After a good lunch with some of the GCN moderators, I went to a workshop on relationships. The presenter, Ling, was hilarious(and the best hugger. EVER), and very informative. Seriously. We did this exercise where we had to go palm to palm with someone in the room that we didn’t know, and we each had 30 seconds to control our hand movements, with our eyes closed. A funny exercise, and the woman I did it with (I need to get better at remembering names) and I were giggling hysterically. I did notice that while the other person was in charge, I was passively allowing her to be in charge, but secretly wondering if I could still be in charge too. Control issues? I think yes.

Saturday night was a concert with Derek Webb and Kori Ashton, but I skipped it. Naughty I know, but I did have a good time talking with Brandon, although I’m sure I got on his nerves (love you B! mean it!). After the concert, I had a really good dinner in the bar with a longtime friend Christine, her partner Theresa (who are sooo cute btw), and a friend of theirs,but I can't remember her name. I think it was Kathy. Maybe. Anyway, dinner was yummy and hilarious. After that I had some really good conversations with Jon, and later with Dennis. Both are really good guys, and I’m glad I had a chance to connect with both. Late Saturday night, Brandon had asked me if I wanted to help with Communion the next day. I was a bit nervous (my first response was, I’m not Catholic!), but I agreed.

I’ll be honest; I have no idea what Justin talked about Sunday morning. I was a little (a lot!) sleepy from the late night, and I dozed some. Sorry Justin! After Justin’s time, I was able to participate in giving communion. I’m not the most spiritual person, but I was honored to be able to serve and bond a little with the people that came up.

We left soon after the conference was over, but we did stop to have some BBQ on the way out with some GCN’ers that I had never met. I had a cheeseburger, but the BBQ sauce was not that yummy. I took Tony and me about 13 hours to get home, but we were both exhausted that it seemed like forever.

This conference was the best experience that I’ve had. Nothing profound happened, but this time I was able to put my own selfishness aside (for the most part), and really just listen to people. I always tell people that I don’t go to GCN conferences for “The Jesus”, but God seems to make himself known to me every time. I love how he does that. The worship songs reminded me of how much I miss going to a regular church, but I’m still struggling with how to still have faith in God, when my beliefs aren’t what they were 10 years ago. That’s another blog for another day.

It was amazing to see some many new GCN’ers come to the conference and experience God’s love in a tangible way. I’m humbled and honored that I’m allowed to share that journey with them, and the tons of people that I didn’t get to meet. As always, I stand with you.

Next year, Denver. A totally drivable trip, but this time, I think I’m getting on a plane.

· A few links to check out:

http://gaychristian.net If you wanna know more about this community and what they do. Haters not allowed.

http://www.teach-ministries.org/index.html Mary Lou Wallner’s awesome organization.