Hanging on

I feel that I’m back at square one. That one little phrase has so much power behind it; I don’t need to say anything else. I know that I have it so much better than a lot of people, but I’m throwing all of it away with both hands. I’m passing in school, but barely. I’m still working, but it takes an effort to go work. I contemplate ways to get into an accident. Not enough to kill myself, but enough to where I can escape life for awhile. I started seeing a therapist again, and I feel better immediately after, then I get home and I feel the same old stress again.

Normally I would say that its blood sugar talking, and maybe it is. I joined Weight Watchers, and have made an effort to eat better, but I still feel that my brain is spinning out of control, and I just want to yell “STOP!” and run away screaming. If there was anyway to have a nervous breakdown, I so would.

I feel like an idiot for feeling this way. Everyone is like, “You have so much potential, and you can do awesome things.” And sometimes, I believe them. Other times, I feel like I’m stuck in a hole that I can’t get out of.

My biggest problem? Tia. It’s been nearly a year, and things still aren’t great for her. She’s working, but on a part time basis. She’s still dealing with her legal problems, and money is still an issue. I’ve wanted to move to Tulsa, and I want to do it this summer, but I don’t see how I can. I know the things that I need to do to make this happen, but it is so overwhelming that I can’t put it in motion. I also feel guilty about leaving. I haven’t told her about it. When I wasn’t working a few years ago, she did so much for me, and she was happy to do it. I do things for her, but I don’t feel happy to do it. And that makes me feel like I’m not being a good friend to her. Part of me doesn’t care, but I know that when I do tell her, it’s going to be a confrontation, and I don’t want to deal with it. She reminds me so much of my mother that it’s scary.

Don’t get me wrong, Tia is not a completely bad person. She’s got a lot of good qualities. I think the stress of all that’s gone on with her has made me not like her a whole lot, and our friendship is strained.

Other issues: School and Work. I know that I have the capability to handle going to school and work. I know it. But for some reason, I don’t feel that I deserve to make it. I don’t feel confident enough to do it.

Like I said, I’m seeing a therapist again. It’s been two sessions, and while I feel calmer immediately after, I fall back on my same anxieties. I really thought that I had a handle on this, but I’m not so sure now.

I’ve tried really hard to keep it to myself. I really have. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that everyone has to listen to my crap on twitter and facebook. I have friends that I vent to, but I don’t want to feel like I’m dumping on them all the time.

As much as I want to just throw up my hands and quit everything, I know that I can’t. I’ve come too far to give up now. But I want to. Badly.